A New Relationship - How Do You Feel About It?

 

By John F. Tomczak

 

I noticed at one of our Saturday night Social sessions of other Bereavement Self-Help Group that my wife, Claire, seemed to be engaged in a rather serious discussion with several other ladies. When we got home I asked, “What was that all about.” Claire then told me the following story.

 

“You won’t believe what happened during our card game. One of the women turned to me and asked if she could ask me a rather personal question.  The rest of the ladies seemed a bit uneasy and looked around as if they knew what was coming. I said you can ask me anything and I’ll let you know if I can or want to answer your question.

 

The lady in question asked me that she knows that I am happily married to you now and she wondered if I can make love without feeling that I am betraying my love for my first husband; and is it possible to really love again without feeling guilty. She also wanted to know how it was the first time we made love. Well you could have heard a pin drop at our table and the others at our table looked everywhere but at me. I know for certain that none of the others would have asked me those questions.

 

I realized that I had better say something quickly to put everyone at their ease or else things could easily get out of hand.

  

I reminded them that we have to remember why we are in the Bereavement Self-Help Social.

 

Everyone here has lost a loved one many of whom were our spouses and we are here to give and receive support. We all know that our loved ones will not return and we understand that death is a part of life. The support we all receive from one another is one of the gifts that Victoria Hospice has given us.

 

I was lucky because, John, told me shortly before he died that his only concern was that he was leaving me behind. John was a very compassionate and caring man and he told me that he hoped that I would not stay alone. I will never forget him reminding me that I had a right to make a new life for myself. John’s only concern was for my happiness.

 

He was right and if you were privileged enough to be open with your husband you most likely had a similar conversation. Love and happiness are meant to be shared. I know that John would not wish me to forget him and the good life we had together but he was concerned for my happiness and he made sure I understood. We all know only too well that it is impossible to just turn a page and forget your spouse and the life you had together.

 

Then my friend asked, in your mind, how did you compare the love you have now and that you had for your first husband? Are you really at ease making love to another man? Doesn’t it feel strange?

 

I replied. “I can’t believe you have such concern about my new relationship. First of all, I am a free woman as we all are. I gave all my love to John number one when we were together; now I have a new commitment to John number two. We must remember that if we want to have love and happiness in our lives and to have it continue to grow we have to share it with another.

 

There is no way I would even think of comparing one love with another. Mine with John number two is a new love experience and I want to enjoy every bit of it. I want to share that love completely.

 

I would not be engaged in a new relationship leading to marriage if I had wanted to live in the past. I owe it to myself and everyone around me to be happy and so do all of you.

You must decide for yourself. Think about what is best for you.”

 

After a brief quiet time my friend thanked me and said it all made sense and she would have to be a bit more honest with her feelings in the future. The other ladies thanked me for being so open with them and the card game went on”.

 

Claire wrote this a few years ago and as you might expect both she and I have had a few similar discussions along these lines. Some people are just curious, others downright nosy, but most are from our friends who are thinking of a new relationship and perhaps just want to talk about it. It is perfectly natural for some to be apprehensive about making a life change. We must remember that bereaved people are just a bit older than the general population and of course that is a consideration. You hear people saying things like, “but we don’t know how long we have”. The only answer to such a remark is to point out the very happy relationships and marriages we have seen in some quite elderly friends.

  

The other thing Claire touches on is how her husband John gave her permission to have a full life after his death. I simply do not know of a more loving caring thing that one person can give to another. I of course did not know John but in our home there are visible signs of his presence just as there are sign of Collette presence. Claire and I think it would be very difficult to simply live our lives together without acknowledging our former spouses.

 

From time to time we have had a couple visit us to talk about their new relationship. They are shown things that I made for Collette, the antique map of Vancouver Island that Collette bought for $25 and other things I brought from my Townhouse when I moved into Claire’s home. The garage is full of John’s tools that I use quite often. An art piece of John’s is on a living room wall and a Toll picture in the kitchen. People see these things and while some do not comment the thoughtful looks we see say more than words.

 

Frankly Claire and I think that by showing potential couples how happy we are now in our relationship now and how we honour our former spouses is the very best way we can help others. We think an example is much more meaningful than just talking, sometimes all around of the subject.