The Power of Silence

 

By John F. Tomczak

I wonder how many people have thought about “silence” as being a powerful tool. I learned the value of this word the hard way. When I first became a volunteer in the Walking Groups I made the mistake of trying too hard to listen to folks without realizing that if I interrupted them I was just not listening. I should have known better because I already found out that those I had hoped would listen to me kept on interjecting their own view of things and worse than that, kept on insisting they knew exactly how I felt. You will never be a good listener if you have the presumption that you know how another person feels about anything, unless of course you have asked the person and have been given an answer. 

Listening is a fine art and is not easy to learn and practice at the best of times. It takes a certain amount of self control to sit quietly while someone is telling you their story. The spell can easily be broken by a sideways glance, the shuffling of papers, an inappropriate sigh or anything that would distract the person you are listening to. It goes without saying that repeating anything told to you in your role as a volunteer is a serious violation of the other person’s privacy. On the other hand one does hear some very interesting stories many of which are hilarious and if permission is given, are fun to relate. Common sense goes a long way in such situations.     

Most volunteers in the Walking Group Program are used to contacting people, by phone, to encourage them to join in this activity. It is not unusual to spend a very long time listening to contacts. Some folks are lonely and haven’t had much contact with anyone for some time and the volunteers understand that. I have had many situations when the phone calls went over three quarters of an hour. I have had conversations with perfect strangers who tell me the most intimate details of their spouse’s illness, their family, and their circumstances. At first I was a bit surprised at what people were able to tell a perfect stranger. Later on I understood that because I didn’t know them or any of their history it was unlikely that I would interrupt or interject my opinions. In other words I was in the perfect listening situation. After I had actually met my contacts, especially the ones that kept me on the phone for a very long time, I was told how much they enjoyed our talk. The truth of the matter is that I had little to say but then again I did listen!   

Some time ago I had an experience with a listener that I would rather forget. One day I was uneasy about something and for the life of me I just can’t remember now what it was all about. I had a friend who I trusted and felt comfortable talking to. I phoned her and had one of those one sided conversations I talked about earlier. From time to time she made a remark. To make a long story short after I thanked her for listening to me she said, “Well that is fine with me John and it gave me time to balance my cheque book while we were chatting”. Silly me and I thought she was actually listening to me. We are no longer friends.

There is another side to the “Power of Silence” which we should consider. Most bereaved people have had friends for many years. After the death of a loved one most of these friends will have comforting words of sympathy which are most welcome. However there are those who somehow have a gift of saying the wrong thing at the worst possible time. Little ‘bon mots’ such as, “you are still young, you will find someone else”, “don’t worry your kids will take care of you”, “life goes on”, and so and on. I have heard all of these earth shaking remarks and then some. The tragic thing is that some folks actually think such remarks are helpful. I know from bitter experience there is little one can say in answer to these remarks.  We all know that it is folly to judge but the temptation is very real at such times. When folks tell me of such situations, I do not encourage them to answer in anger or to show displeasure. Frankly if people speak in an irrational manner it is never wise to answer in a like manner. However I tell my friends there a defense to such remarks and it is called, “silence”. You would be very surprised and how effective such a defense is. After all if you refuse to answer some of these potentially hurtful remarks they will stop.

Through the past fifteen years I have heard just about all those well meant but hurtful remarks from folks who should know better. It is interesting to hear how many of my friends have used a variance of the “silence” technique to get them through some very tough times. 

The most glaring example that I know of happened to one of our Social Group members.  The lady was in one of our Walking Groups some time ago. She met a man in the group and they fell in love and shortly afterwards, married. We always rejoice at these relationships of course and we knew they had bought a house together and were happy with their life together.

Unfortunately, the man died after a very brief illness just slightly less than two years after their marriage.

Sometime later one of her friends began to question our friend’s relationship with the husband who had just died. It took some time to sort out the questioning but the gist of it was our friend was being asked to compare love making between the two husbands. Fortunately my friend had heard me talk about the power of silence and she used it. She tells the rest of the story.

“I just sat there in complete silence looking into the eyes of my friend. Then the most amazing thing happened; my friend blushed to the roots of her hair. She had a look of terror on her face which I had never seen before on anyone’s face. She went pale and begged my forgiveness in the most abject terms. I just sat there and started to talk about something else.  I see no need to ever bring up the subject again and I never will. We are still friends and for that I am thankful. She had just said something that she should not have said and I am sure my silence was lesson enough”.