Love, Marriage and Those Kids

 

 

By John F. Tomczak

 

I have said this before but I like to repeat the good things I have seen. The marriages we have seen in our two Groups have been very successful. That is not to say that all has been sweetness and light by any means. What I am trying to say is that while the marriages are wonderful, getting there has not always been easy for some people.

 

Some of the objections to the marriage come from the children, sometimes from both sides of the relationship. Some of the interference comes from the perceived fear that some children see a new marriage as them losing the one parent they have left. Then there is the end of the holiday traditions that they grew up with and last but not least the inheritance factor; in other words money.

 

There is a host of such little problems that must be dealt with. These things take time and a wise couple will consult a good lawyer and follow the advice given to them. The best money Claire and I ever spent was at our lawyer’s office for the marriage agreement we have.

 

I am happy to say that by far the majority of marriages we have seen have solved many little problems before they have become large ones. Actually no one can replace a parent and once the children realize that that is the last thing their father’s or mother’s new love wants to do everything becomes very easy. Most, if not all, children want the best for their parent.

 

One of the more interesting stories we hear now and then is when the man’s children have an unrealistic concept of their father’s monetary situation, shall we say. The truth is that usually bereaved women are a bit more affluent that their men friends. This is usually because women are left the house, the large insurance policies and the investments. Whereas the man has the house and the investments but no large insurance policies. This is called being house poor! In my age group it never occurred to us to insure our wives so there is an imbalance which is hard to explain to some children.

 

Quite a few couples that we have met in the Hospice Groups have visited us to find out how we managed our affairs. While we are careful to not give advice on specifics we do encourage them to speak to a Lawyer as soon as possible. We also suggest they include the children in their plans if possible.

 

At a gathering the other day I ran into a woman who had recently married a man that she and her deceased husband had known for years. I asked how things were going and this was her answer, “I am having the time of my life what with my six kids and his six our life is a zoo most of the time. The twelve kids and their young ones love us both and they sure know how to show it.