Old Friends, New Friends

 

 

By John F. Tomczak

 

I quickly found out after my wife Collette died that I did not have as many friends as I thought I had. The reason being that many of our friends were actually Collette’s friends. I have spoken too many of my bereaved men friends and have found that they have had similar experiences.

 

This should come as no surprise because women have a bit more of social life as most men; one of those little differences between the sexes that sometimes we hear about. That being said after the death of your loved one life for you is forever changed. The Saturday night bridge game that you enjoyed with those special friends is gone. You are now a single in a couple’s world and in the worst case scenario could be seen as a threat in some circumstances.  

 

After time a time you will, as I did, find that your old friends will invite you, as usual, to dinners and other gatherings. However you may find that these occasions are now different and sometimes leaves you with an empty feeling.

 

There is nothing worse than having to leave a gathering of your friends and go home alone to an empty house. Most of us have experienced this feeling, which is quite understandable, because we are now single again and the rest of our friends are still couples. Of course your friends will be kind and will try to include you in their activities but it will not be the same.

 

Frankly I was puzzled at this feeling, or should I say, these different feelings. However my good friend Vi George explained all of this to me.

 

“Old friends bring with them years of old memories that you shared with your loved one.  Perhaps your children have grown up together. You have probably belonged to the same Clubs or Faith Community.

 

Now that you are single again the combination of old friends, good memories of other times makes, at times, for an empty feeling.  It’s no wonder that sometimes we do feel uneasy in such circumstances. However after a time, you as I did, will be able to share your wonderful memories with your new friends. We all have stories to tell and it is good for us to share them.”

 

As usual I listened carefully to my friend Vi and it made sense. The new friends that I met at the Bereavement Self Help Social Group have had very similar experiences. You will, as I did, find out that you do not have to explain your feelings simply because your new friends understand. They will tell you of their experiences listen to yours and give you what I call “caring understanding”. Most of all you will feel safe sharing your feelings because you are not alone. One of the “givens” in the Social Group is that none of them will ask questions nor will they give advice. 

  

Vi of course was right and it was helpful for me to hear of her own experience that helped her to feel more at ease with her new friends. As time goes by our new friends will become old friends, some closer than others, I am sure.

 

This is a good time for all of us to remember to be gentle with our friends. Try to understand that they are also feeling a loss. It may be difficult for them to properly express their feelings. They may not be able to help, not because they are unfeeling but perhaps they are fearful of saying, or doing the wrong thing. Not all of us are able to express, in words, how we feel. When I meet a friend who has lost a loved one I simply take their hand or offer a hug and say, “I am sorry”.

 

At the time of writing this the Bereavement Self Help Social Group is close to celebrating its nineteenth anniversary. Over these years I have been impressed at the long term friendships that have developed. One would think with the large number of people we have seen that there would be normal to see cliques develop but that has not been the case. True there are groups of folks with similar interests, like the bridge players, but on the whole the Social Group has somehow retained the same closeness through the years.  People will choose to attend some of the functions.

 

It’s good to remember that time is always on our side and isn’t it wonderful that there are so many nice people around these days.

 

Friendship

If nobody smiled, if nobody cared

And nobody helped us along.

If each, every minute looked after himself

And the good things all went to the strong,

If nobody cared just a little for you,

And nobody thought about me;

And we stood all alone in the battle of life,

What a dreary Old World it would be.