Two Wives - Two Husbands

 

By John F. Tomczak

 

A few years ago Claire and I were attending a Victoria Hospice Volunteer Retreat. Among other things the discussions were about the various feelings than a bereaved person experiences at the time of the death of a loved one and of course during the years following the death. The talk go around to what happens if the bereaved person has a new relationship, where the couple lives, what happens to their former homes, possessions and things like that.

 

One of the group asked me if being married again had changed my feelings about my former life. I answered that while I still considered myself to be a bereaved person and have no wish to diminish or forget my almost forty-five years with Collette. Now that I am married to Claire I believe, in my heart, that I have two wives. At that, the person jumped up, ran across the room, gave me a big hug and said, “I have been waiting for years for someone to tell me that”.

 

That of course didn’t quite answer her question in the way the group expected but it sure livened up the discussion. Claire and I then told a few stories of how some of our remarried friends had handled this change in their lives.

 

There was the couple who just could not bear to give up any of their accumulated furnishings of any sort. They now live in a house that has so much furniture and things that they can hardly move. We are still waiting to see which one of them will throw in the towel and get rid of some of their stuff.

 

Then there are the stories about where the new couples are going to live. We have noticed that very few women will live in another women’s home. We remember one time when she moved into his house, spent a couple of years changing one thing after another and then they finally bought “their house”. These stories are usually told with a lot of laughter at the funny things that happen to everyone who has a new relationship in later life.

 

I remember assuring Claire with all the sincerity I could muster that I was a completely trained husband I even had fourteen recipes at my finger tips. That was a downright fib of course and I have paid the price since I assure you.

 

One of the most notable things we see is the sense of humour people develop. When all is said and done the bereavement process makes for a kinder gentler person and it shows in so many ways. We have seen but one failed relationship in either the Walking Groups or the Bereavement Self Help Social Group in the last nineteen years.

 

That being said, Claire and I have talked about this subject many times. Her husband John also died in the care of Hospice and Claire, as do I, feels his presence in our lives. We talk about John and Collette frequently, tell stories of our former lives with these wonderful people, laugh at the silly things married folks do now and then but most of all, we include them in our life.

 

I moved into Claire’s home when we got married and of course I brought many things from my former life. Claire and I are comfortable with the past and our home has many personal things that remind us of Collette and John. We would not have it any other way.

 

I am sure that some will find it hard to understand but once in a while, one of us will say, “wouldn’t it be nice if John or Collette were to see this”.

 

We do understand that our former spouses will not return but it is our way of not forgetting them.

 

Claire and I believe that those we have loved are still with us in spirit and we are thankful.

We have had the privilege of sharing our experiences with our remarried friends and the stories we have heard are very similar to ours. Some are told in quite different ways but the message is always the same. It is good to remember our other life; it is good to be grateful for the past and thankful for the future.

 

Every once in a while we hear of a situation that gives us an example of acceptance and courage that is wonderful. This friend of ours had met a man in one of our Walking Groups. They fell in love and were married, actually quite soon, after they met. They went through the house dilemma and finally bought “their house’.  Unfortunately the man fell ill and died less than two years of marriage. She told us that she had loved her first husband exactly as she loved her second husband. She never regretted the second very short marriage and cherished every single day they had together.