Dear Jack,

 

By John F. Tomczak

 

"Dear Jack,

 

I feel that because we are good friends you will read this letter in friendship and understanding.

 

When Claire, you and I were walking back to our cars the other night we noticed you seemed to be a bit down, so to speak. God knows that we understand that life, at the moment, must be very difficult for you. We both know that the feeling of being alone even when surrounded by friends and even with those who understand is terrible.

 

Both of us have lived through such a time and we remember it all too well. It is as if nothing anyone can say or do is of much help.

 

Jack, you and I have lived with our loved one for many years. I remember the many gifts that I received from Collette. She brought softness to my life, a better understanding of the fullness of life and of course, the gift of children. Our life together was one of the usual ups and downs but at the end of the day there was joy, companionship and love. I am sure it was the same for you and Muriel.

 

After Collette died I can remember thinking of how unfair it was, what I could have done better, why it was her and not me but most of all I just wanted to understand. After a time, I began to realize my life had changed and worst of all I was alone. The best gift Collette gave me was her complete and unconditional love. Claire and I know that the love you received from your dear Muriel was the same.

 

Collette died in 1987 and the next year a few of us hardy souls started our Bereavement Self Help Social Group. It was a wonderful time for me. I had all these new friends and the best part was that we men were surrounded by all those charmers. Of course it was great but I wanted more than friendship. It was a strange situation having all those dear friends but not having quite what I wanted in my life. A good friend explained all this to me. My friends had become my family.

 

Well, one day I saw Claire at the Oak Bay Skating Rink and you know the rest. When I come to think of it I guess it happened because I wanted it to happen. Claire and I have talked a lot about our feelings and how the loss of John and Collette has affected our lives. We are so thankful that we have each other and most of all we are able to share our feelings.

Jack, all of us need love in our lives and as we are men we need the love and respect of a woman. We hope you will remember the priceless gift of love that Muriel gave to you. That love will be there for the rest of your life.

We know you understand that we try not to give advice or do we dare suggest what you do with your life but, recently we came across the following.

 

As you now know being faithful to your love does not mean dying or destroying yourself. If you really want to be true to someone you have loved, and keep alive her memory, put yourself in her presence mentally and ask her what she expects of you. Let her respond. The inner dialogue will give you clear directions for your life. Your beloved will tell you to honour her by living fully, growing and loving again. You carry within you the wisdom and the legacy of a deep and emotional bond between yourself and your beloved.

 

Jack, you are one of nicest men we have ever met. You have much to offer.  Open up your heart; be receptive to another’s love when it is given to you. Your love for Muriel will always be with you and someday when you are able to accept the gift of love from another it will not replace Muriel’s love, it will just be different. We care for you."

 

I wrote this letter some years ago. My friend took quite some time before he could talk to me about it. He said he had to read it over several times but came to understand that I meant well and he knew that Claire and I did care for him. As the years came and went Jack attended most of our gatherings, played bridge, went on many trip with friends and just enjoyed life. Actually he became an accomplished “hugger”. We used to get a kick out of seeing a line-up of our ladies waiting to get a goodbye hug from him. 

 

Those of who have been around for a long time used to wonder if Jack would ever find a companion or have a meaningful relationship. Some of us, who should know better assured one and all that Jack would never have another love in his life. Where folks get idea like that is beyond me.

 

When it comes to human relationships, ”never” is not a good word to use.

 

Well one day my friend met a woman from one of our walking groups and we noticed a change. It was ever so slight a difference but we have been with this group for so long that we notice any change in our friends. The next Group Trip Jack and his new friend went along and of course the ears of our Social Group pals perked up quite a bit.

 

People being people there are always some that take great delight in making more of each situation than quite necessary. Not quite being nosy or becoming a busybody but close. However in this case there was reason to wonder and even speculate. 

 

The Bereavement Self Help Social Group has had a few marriages and relationships through the years. However when you consider the number of Bereaved folks in this group the marriages and relationships are not all that numerous.

 

The one we have seen are just wonderful and in fact in the last fifteen years we never seen a failed relationship. We have seen enough of these wondrous happenings that sometime and somewhere, when you least expect it, you will see a sign.

 

When you have seen a sign that tell of a new love it is a moment you will never forget. The fact that people are a bit older and come from such different backgrounds and life experiences doesn’t seen to matter one little bit.

 

One of the more popular pastimes at our Socials is that wonderful game of bridge. Alas my wife Claire refuses to learn the game but I might add she is a ferocious crib player. I thought I had best mention that to be politically correct, as we say. Folks are in the habit of bringing in their favourite pack of cards. One of my little jobs is to toss out the worn out cards and sometimes this becomes a delicate matter. Jack had brought in his set of cards and now and then the group got to play with them. Every time Jack’s cards were used he would remark that they were his wife’s favourite set of cards.

 

One night when we were packing up someone remarked that Jack’s cards were a bit worn and sticky, as they say. I heard Jack say, “I guess it is time to thrown our cards away”. He then came over to me and repeated, “it is time to throw out our cards”. I asked it he was sure and he said, “you know it is time John”, and he left the room. I thought about following him but Claire called out to me and the spell was broken. 

 

It is a wondrous, mysterious and spiritual thing to see how people can be around each other for some time and to see and feel the beginnings of a loving lasting relationship. The slow dance that only now and then gives us a glimpse of the true feelings that ever so slowly becomes apparent to others. Life being what it is and with the inequality of the bereaved sexes there are many who will never find a new love.  That is why it is so wonderful to see the unrestrained joy we experience when love comes to our friends.

 

But then, as someone said a long time ago, “the whole world loves a lover”.

 

I saw my friend Jack the other day and he talked about wife Muriel and his new love in exactly the way Claire and I talk about Collette and John.