My Friend Sharon

 

By John F. Tomczak

 

Companioning takes many forms.

Sharon and I are perfect examples of differences in companioning. Besides the obvious you will notice that she is a bit younger that me. I have also lunch companions, bridge companions and volunteer companions.

 

We both share the death of a spouse.

We met because of the death of our spouses and our involvement with Victoria Hospice. I still wonder at the almost instant rapport that we experienced and that I have seen so often between people who share the loss of a loved one. One of the great joys of my life is how my respect for Sharon is shared by my wife Claire.

 

We are living examples of two different people.

I wonder about a lot of things these days but companioning with Sharon tops the list. An age differences that some would think a lot. Gender difference of course. I have five kids and eight grandchildren while Sharon has none. Great difference in education and life experiences yet we are companions because of a loss.

 

We share a story of survival.

Sharon has survived because she has the gift of writing and the ability and patience to help mostly younger widows. I survived because I like to do things, make things and organize gatherings for bereaved people. I am not very good at writing about my own feelings but I enjoy writing about the experiences of others. Sharon being a physician brings a dimension to the bereavement process that I can not.

 

Cultural and gender differences.

We have both lost our loved ones. My wife Collette died at 65 when I was close to 70.  Bob died much younger and Sharon was under 40. Claire and I were married some time ago while Sharon has not. We do not share the same formal religious beliefs but we couldn’t be closer in our vision of our shared spirituality. Some people follow traditional paths of grieving that may not reflect their true feelings but once they companion with other bereaved people the differences seem to fade away and that is how it has been with Sharon and myself.

 

Life will never be the same but companioning helps.

That’s right; life will never be the same. Those that suggest that bereaved people just need to give themselves a shake and jump right back into life as if nothing has happened have a lot to answer for. I have heard literally hundreds of stories how lives have been changed and how the folks have been able to cope with the change. It helps to talk to others in the same situation. Bereaved people learn form each other and it is an ongoing process.

 

Death shows us amazing things.

One of the things the death of a loved one shows us is another side of ourselves. We have to fend for ourselves, we recognize the strengths our loved one has left us and as time goes by we remember the little thoughts and actions that somehow prepared us for a life alone. We are able to talk about goodness of our life together and slowly become conscious of our loved one’s spirit being with us!

 

Support comes from total strangers, animals or even silence.

Becoming a gentler person enables us to recognize gentleness in others. There is so much beauty in our everyday life that others share with us. Music, even “our song” means so much more.  I can still see Sharon’s cat that just being there meant so much to Sharon. Links with the past are precious to the bereaved.

 

Grief takes time.

This is so very true. I remember the empty future in my life after Collette died.  From one day to the next I had nothing to do. I like to be busy so I walked up to Hospice and got to work. It was my way of dealing with time. We are all different and our bereavement is ours and so is the time we need.

 

Being gentle with oneself is really what is most important.

It is so easy to wonder what more we could have done, how many more doctors we could have asked for help and the list will go on and on if you let it. Accepting the death of a lifetime partner is terrible but we must remember the thankfulness of our loved ones for the care we gave them. I remember Collette telling me that she didn’t mind dying as she couldn’t live in her body as sick as she was. We must remember what our loved ones told us, perhaps not in words!

 

All that matters is “now”- this moment in time.

We are “here” and our loved one is “there” and there is not a thing we can do about it.  That sounds about right but it is not true for the bereaved. We will always have the past with us but we must get up in the morning and live as our life has been given to us. Bereaved people learn to do that in their own good time and in ways known only to them.

 

We become more “gentler” more compassionate through grief.

I call this the gentling process and I see it every time we have a gathering. The change in people is remarkable and seemingly unknown to them. It takes some time for a newcomer to understand that kindness is just that and nothing more. The days of doing a kindness and expecting a reward are gone.

 

Grief is ‘softened ‘or lessened when shared.

I have heard thousands of ‘stories’ about a person’s bereavement. They are the same and yet somehow different but the telling helps. We humans need to share our thoughts, sorrows, our fears and most of all our hopes. I have yet to meet a bereaved person who hasn’t learned to be a good listener.

 

Companioning through grief allows us to find a new meaning in life.

It is a joy to see people go from a feeling of helplessness to taking up a neglected hobby or activity. The change is quite amazing to see. I have become an amateur writer and my bridge playing would astound Collette. We all have gifts that for one reason or another we never used.  Now we have the time and we should use it for us.

 

Grief –there are informal and formal aspects of healing. 

We should never make a presumption of what will help for another just because it helped us.  The best advice I can give a bereaved person is to listen to their bereaved friends and learn from the experiences of others in the same situations. There are no experts in bereavement just caring friends who understand what you are experiencing and show their love for you.