Permission

 

By John F. Tomczak

 

We all know what this is about. Remember the days when we had to get permission to do just about anything? Our parents and then others were the ones who doled out the permission to do this or that. It seems to me that we do not quite outgrow the need to please those closest to us and that sometimes these needs surface in many different ways, permission being one.

 

The stories I am going to relate all have permission as an undercurrent, if you will, and while it is at times hard to pin down it is real to a bereaved person.

 

One night, a few years ago, I noticed a newcomer at the Bereavement Self-Help Social Group who was sitting by herself a bit apart from the rest of the Group. The founding members of the Social Group are always careful to make sure newcomers are made welcome and if possible included in the Group’s activities.

 

So I took my cup of coffee over to where she was sitting, introduced myself and soon we were chatting away like old friends. I learned that her husband had died in the care of Hospice a short time ago.  Both she and her husband were very grateful to Victoria Hospice for the care they both received. I then suggested that she now had the job of telling others in the community about her experience.

 

After a short pause she asked me if she could tell me a story and then perhaps I would explain it to her. I told her that I was good at listening but sometimes explaining is another matter. We had a bit of a laugh about that and then she told me her story.

 

“My husband died far too young. He was a beautiful man in the true sense of the word. Our marriage was truly one of those that seen to have been made in heaven. We did not have any children and now of course I have never felt so alone in my life. I thank God that I was able to care for him at home with the help of Hospice’s Palliate Response Team.

 

One night when I came into the bedroom I noticed that his wedding ring was on the bedside table. I was puzzled because to my knowledge he had never taken off his ring since we were married. I knew that he was close to death and unable to speak however he could hear perfectly and I know he enjoyed my ramblings. I waited until he had awakened and then asked why he had taken off his ring. With what little strength he had left he held my left hand touched my rings. I held out his ring and tried to put it back on his finger. He became quite agitated and held my hand even tighter. It finally dawned on me that he wanted me to keep his ring. I put the ring back on the bedside table and he relaxed and went back to sleep.

 

My dear husband died a few days later very quietly.

 

I have been wondering for some time why he took off his ring and didn’t want me to put it back on his finger. My husband was a kind and thoughtful man and I don’t believe he did that to hurt me. However there has to be an explanation and if you have any ideas please let us talk about it”.

 

I sat there for some time thinking that this man must have had a good reason for doing what he did. It must have been an action that was meaningful to both of them but what was it? 

 

I then thought of my wife, Collette. She had a difficult time expressing her feelings all of our life together. What she did was to let me know how she felt by talking around the subject. It was sometime after our marriage before I learned to accept how she expressed her love for me. I suppose most couples develop their own way of communicating and ours was just fine with me.

 

Then I finally understood what had happened. This much loved man wanted to give his wife a message. He could not talk so he had to do the only thing he could do; he took off his ring and set it aside.

 

I am under no illusion that I know for certain what is in the mind much less the heart of another. In our culture the sharing of the marriage rings is a visible sign to others of the commitment we share with our loved ones. Sometimes the rings are forgotten or even discarded and if that is so it usually means the end of the relationship. It is possible that this man was telling his wife that at his death his was giving her her freedom and his blessing. He did the only thing he was capable of doing and that was to take off his ring as a message.

 

Do I know this for certain? Of course I do not but I have heard many stories of how permission to love again is given and I like to believe this was one of those times.

 

We sat there surrounded by people playing cards of one sort or another. I am always quite amazed at how perfect strangers can share events of their lives that are so meaningful.  Sometimes silence is the only thing that matters. However after a time we talked about what had happened and as it turned out we agreed about the message.

 

That night I went home and thought of the messages that Collette had given me. I have spoken about the time she wondered how her new life was going to be. Another time she told me she didn’t mind dying because she couldn’t live in her body the way it was. I also remembered how she took full responsibility for her illness with a lifetime of smoking. Were these just remarks or were they messages to help me after she died. I know that Collette was one not to talk idly and yes, they were messages and I remember them.

 

After I had written this I gave it to Claire for her comments. After reading it she said, “You know that is exactly what John did for me. He reminded me that I was a comparatively young woman and he hoped I would find someone to love and to enjoy a good life together”.

 

If you listen carefully to your bereaved friends you will hear similar little stories. Sometimes they are quite simple like the husband making sure that his widow lives in a nice safe condo.

I have never met a seriously ill person that didn’t want the best for their loved one.