The Things We Do

 

By John F. Tomczak

 

Listening to my bereaved friends brought back many memories of the first years after Collette died.

 

We all had the terrible experience of coming home to an empty home. Most of us men were trying desperately to learn cooking for one. There was just too much space and of course we couldn’t turn around without some photo reminding us of our loss.

 

Most of those first months were taken up with the many letters and cards from friends to be acknowledged. Friends were kind and the odd invite out to dinner was a welcome change but being a single in a world of couples was unsettling to put it mildly. Then what does one do with all the stuff we had accumulated over the years? I found out, much to my amazement, that the children really didn’t want it either.

 

Looking back at those years the birth of a new grandchild was a happy and yet somehow a wistful time because Collette was not here.

As a friend of mine said one day, “John, life goes on regardless,” and it does. I have written about being in Walking Group 4 at Hospice and how that was a turning point in my life.

 

After we had formed the Bereavement Self Help Social Group in December 1988, I realized that helping others helped me the most. I also learned quite quickly that I was very comfortable with my new friends. The first months of the social brought many changes to the founding members. It seemed to me than everyone found a job to do and laid claim to it.

 

Our friend Bob took over our income tax problems, another organized a bowling session for Friday afternoons. Soon there were bridge games on a regular weekly basis. I inherited the newsletter task and have been doing that ever since. One person kept the attendance records and kept track of the weekly donations to Hospice.

 

One of our men was a serious cook and he soon had weekly lessons for the rest of us previously spoiled husbands. There were only fifteen bereaved persons at our first meeting but as I recall everyone wanted to contribute.

 

Twenty years later there are five founding members still active some on a weekly basis. One of our members looks after the Friday night dinners and actually phones about 100 people a week to remind them. One of our ladies organizes a brunch three times a year. Two bridge devotees have been running a Tuesday night bridge game for 15 years. Claire and I produce the newsletter and keep track of the membership records. 

 

The founding members of this group have wondered how we are able to keep this informal group together all these years. The truth is that it filled a need for us bereaved people at a time when we all needed it the most exactly as it is needed for the many bereaved we have seen since then.

 

All that was needed was for a counselor at Hospice to recognize the needs of a group of bereaved people and encourage them to help themselves. I might add that he then wisely left us to it. We remember with gratitude Rae Westcott.