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Bob's Children |
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 John
F. Tomczak is the author of Shared Knowledge - Dealing With
Bereavement.
John's passion is to make all Canadians
aware of how hospice societies can help
them and their loved ones at a time
of need.
John
has been recognized for his many
exemplary contributions as a board
member of Victoria Hospice Society and
the Independent Living Housing Society
as well as a founding member of Canada's
first bereavement self help group.
John is
the owner of
bereavement.ca
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Bob's Children
By John F. Tomczak
When I first joined the Bereavement
Self Help Social Group I met a man whose name was
Bob. Over the years we became very good friends,
enjoyed some very good times together, were bridge
partners and just enjoyed each other’s company.
Sadly my friend Bob is no longer with us. I think of
my friend now and then but the one thing about Bob I
remember the most is the time we were up at Whistler
at my daughter’s condo.
Several from our social group used to
stay in the condo for a few days, play bridge, take
the gondola up the mountain and things like that.
One day Bob and I were on the deck
taking in the beautiful surroundings when Bob
remarked that here he was and just down the road his
only daughter was working in an almost completed
condo building as an interior designer. I mentioned
to Bob that he should take my car, have a visit with
his daughter and perhaps invite her to meet the rest
of us. Well Bob just leaned on the railing and gave
one of those long sighs that somehow say so much. I
guess because we were such good friends that he felt
comfortable telling me about his relationship with
his children.
Bob said, “I wish I could understand
what has happened to our family since my wife died.
We used to be so close, and the children were so
kind and caring during the long illness but
something has changed since their mother died.
I wish I could put my finger on what
has happened but for the life of me I cannot. I have
provided for my son and daughter but I don’t feel
comfortable talking about that and, in fact, it has
got to the stage where even a visit is not as it was
before my loved one died.
I just feel terrible for feeling like
this and while I know the children love me, I just
want life to be as it was. Of course, nothing can
bring my wife back but if I could feel as if we are
a family again it would be wonderful. I know you
mean well but I just find it so hard to talk to my
daughter. I know that is not how I should feel, and
I love both of my children but it has been difficult
these past few months. They must know how lonely I
am, and how hard it has been for me but somehow I
wonder if they really realize how I feel.”
I took my time answering my friend.
What Bob was describing was a situation that I have
heard many times in many different ways. Sometimes
the surviving parent is so consumed with his or her
own grief that it is hard to understand or perhaps
acknowledge the depth of the grief of others.
Parents are no different from others
in this regard but it is very hard for some to
understand just what is happening. On the other hand
children quickly realize that they have lost one
parent and they have a hard time even thinking about
losing the other parent.
Of course, unless there is a clear
and frank understanding of how everyone feels
matters just keep getting worse. I have seen
situations where these things get to the stage when
money and inheritances become a source of
misunderstandings and so it goes.
After a few deep breaths I said to my
friend. “Bob, I am not going to give you any advice
but I feel that perhaps if you listen to my little
story it may help. I know how much you miss your
wife because you and I have talked a lot about that.
I also know that your children miss their mother
terribly because they have told me so.
So here is my little story.
When Collette died her best friend
did not attend her funeral. I had a hard time with
what I perceived as disrespect. It was only after a
fairly long time that I understood that Collette’s
best friend was so distressed at the death of her
friend that she was physically unable to attend the
funeral.
You have no idea of how relieved I
was when I understood. I wonder, Bob, if perhaps you
are forgetting that your children have lost one
parent and all they can think of these days is
losing the other one. Why not let them show this to
you? Why not discuss the generous financial
arrangement you have made for their future? Why not
share your grief with those, who, in this entire
world. are the closest to you? You are still the
parent, never mind that they are middle aged and
with children of their own, we both know parents
often have to take that first step”
We just kept on looking at the
beautiful scenery for some time until Bob turned to
me and said. “How about lending me your car for a
couple of hours?”
Later that evening after the others
were off to their beds and I, after a couple of
scotches, and Bob had his usual coke, we had a long
talk or should I say he talked and I listened.
“Thanks for the loan of the car by
the way. I went to the Condo where my daughter is
working and I simply went in gave her a good hug and
said I know now how much you miss your mother. I
can’t remember when I had a hug like that from my
daughter. We just stood there in some stranger’s
home and let the tears come. I haven’t felt this
good since my wife died. We had a long talk and when
we get home we will, all of us, talk about my will,
inheritances and a lot of things. I learned that my
children treasured the carvings my wife did and to
think I had almost given these precious things away.
How could I have been so caught up in my own grief
as to ignore the grief of my own children?”
There was a long silence and I
finally managed to say. “We, as parents, sometimes
don’t understand that our own children after having
lost one parent are fearful of having to face losing
the other parent. I hope you will not fall into the
trap of blaming yourself for what is quite a normal
reaction to losing one’s wife. I know now you
understand and have acknowledged your children’s
grief.
All of us have to learn to be gentle
with ourselves and to understand and accept that we
have done our best. I guess that sometimes life is
quite simple, once a parent always a parent, and a
child is always a child, and the best way we teach
our children is by example.”
It is hard to lose a friend and to
this day I miss Bob. While he was a good man I
noticed that he became a very gentleperson. I wish I
could tell you of how many income tax forms he did
for our group. We used to have a saying that a
couple of hours with Bob would save us a couple of
hundred dollars in income tax. The most obvious
change in him was his attitude to his children and
grandchildren. Not that he became a doting father
but he took care of what needed to be done for his
family.
Bob had a heart condition that was to
shorten his life. We had a few talks about this from
time to time. One day he told me he no longer
worried about his health. He felt that he had taken
care of everything that needed to be done and he was
at peace.
The last time I saw Bob was at a
bridge game at our home. He played like a complete
idiot, which was a bit out of character. Being his
partner I was a bit upset and as the folks left I
followed Bob out to his car. I had a few gentle
words about his bridge playing but he just laughed
and drove off.
My friend Bob went home and in his
sleep left us. I sure miss my friend but he actually
did play like an idiot that last bridge game!
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| Copyright John
F. Tomczak. All rights reserved |
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For more information on bereavement support, or to
purchase Shared Knowledge, click on the
book cover. |
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