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Closure |
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 John
F. Tomczak is the author of Shared Knowledge - Dealing With
Bereavement.
John's passion is to make all Canadians
aware of how hospice societies can help
them and their loved ones at a time
of need.
John
has been recognized for his many
exemplary contributions as a board
member of Victoria Hospice Society and
the Independent Living Housing Society
as well as a founding member of Canada's
first bereavement self help group.
John is
the owner of
bereavement.ca
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Closure
By John F. Tomczak
I know there was, and most likely
there still is, the belief that once a bereaved
person lives past the magic yearly life circle he or
she will somehow be a lot better. I don’t believe
the “time structure concept” and I can assure you
that few, if any, or the more than 1200 bereaved
people I know would disagree with me. Time may be a
healer but neither I, nor anyone else, can control
time in our lives.
The success of the Walking Group and
Bereavement Social Group is due, in part, to the
realization that all members are in the same
situation. Just being together is helpful and time
is not at all important. From time to time I have
had people say “but they seem to be so happy.” My
answer is, “of course they are happy; they are in a
safe place with friends who understand.”
Last year, at the Hospice Conference
in Winnipeg two women gave an excellent talk about
“The Myths of Bereavement.” The presenters took the
view that “closure,” as it is commonly used, is one
of those myths.
We have let people use the wrong word
for far too long. Some trained people can be of
great help at the scene of a traumatic event but I
doubt anyone can bring “closure” to those affected
by the event. Comfort yes, understanding most
likely, perhaps acceptance but “closure” as the word
is commonly used is unlikely.
Everyone has a hero or two and one of
mine is John Ralston Saul. Besides being the husband
of the former Governor General of Canada he is the
author of
“On Equilibrium”
and many other insightful works. This is what he has
to say about closure:
“Closure is one of the curious
naïveté's in old fashioned Freudian analysis-that
there must be closure on issues before the patient
can move on. There is never closure on any issue.
We move on because we are able to debate the issues,
not because we have left them behind.”
“To believe that something is
resolved is to freeze ourselves into a static limbo
where we are passive by conviction and dangerously
exposed to the whim of anyone with ambitions.”
We should pay particular attention to
what Saul is suggesting in his remark about being
dangerously exposed to those with ambitions. What he
is pointing out is that if one is passive by
conviction there are those who will sense that
vulnerability of another and use it to suit their
own ends. One of the most common cons is the need
for seemingly endless visits to an “expert” who has
gained the confidence of another. It is difficult
and most likely unwise to comment on such activity
among friends. The newly bereaved are at the most
vulnerable point of their lives and perhaps a gentle
question about the lack of improvement is all that
is necessary.
I have heard friends of mine talk
about “letting go” of their loved one. Usually it
turns out that someone has suggested that they
should let go. I have often wondered where and how
this term originated and what it means. Taken in its
simplest terms, one could think it means the same as
“closure.” If that is the case then we have to be
careful when talking to bereaved people. I can
truthfully say that I have never met a bereaved
person who has forgotten their loved one. Those who
seem to have all of the answers are usually the ones
that have never experienced the death of a loved
one.
The bereavement process is an
extremely private part of a bereaved person’s life
and given time most, if not all, bereaved people
will be at are peace with the death of their loved
one.
From time to time I listen to a
bereaved friend who is dismayed because that a few
years after the death of a loved one they still have
had an overwhelming sense of loss. They believed
that after a time the sense of loss would
diminish. I listen carefully and tell how even after
16 years I still have visits with Collette on a
regular basis. I mention that I lived with this
loving person for more than 44 years and the last
thing I want to do is forget her and our life
together.
I have no way of knowing how others
live their lives after the death of a loved one and
it is not my place to tell others what to do.
However we are social beings and the only way we
learn is from our own experiences and most
importantly the careful observation of the
experiences of others in the same situation.
During one of our famous monthly
potluck dinners, I noticed a man who sat apart from
the group of hungry people but what I noticed mostly
was that he was looking terribly sad. I thought
that unusual because by nature this man was usually
an outgoing happy person. After dinner I had a
chance to talk quietly with him and he told me his
story.
“John I can’t understand what is
happening to me. I was led to believe that after a
year had passed after my wife died I would feel so
much better but I just feel terrible.”
I could do little to comfort this man
except to listen and assure him that his tears were
good tears and every one of his friends
understood. I like to think that after that night
life was better for him but I do not know.
I have thought about that evening a
lot since then and I regret that sometimes bereaved
people are convinced that life is predicable. It is
such a shame that people who should know better take
it upon themselves to suggest there is some
timetable to the bereavement process. I have been
reminded time and time again that if folks are led
to believe that, then they will expect life to be
like that. The results are predicable and
devastating and so very unnecessary.
In my opinion John Ralston Saul has
got it right!
I noticed, recently that the word
“closure” has been banned on “CNN” when referring to
the events of September 11th 2001.
Henry Scott Holland, the Canon of St.
Paul’s Cathedral has left us with this suggestion to
his loved ones at his own death. I have read these
inspiring words many times and have heard them read
at a few funerals. I find it reassuring that these
thoughts written close to 100 years ago are so valid
today when we hear some people talk about “closure”
“Death is nothing at all. I have
only slipped away into the next room. I am I, and
you are you. Whatever we were to each other that we
still are. Call me by my old familiar name; speak
to me in the easy way which you always used. Put
not difference in your tone; wear not a forced air
of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play,
smile, think of me, and pray for me. Let my name be
ever the household word that it always was. Let it
be spoken without effort, without the trace of a
shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken
continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I
am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an
interval, somewhere very near, just around the
corner. All is well.”
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| Copyright John
F. Tomczak. All rights reserved |
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For more information on bereavement support, or to
purchase Shared Knowledge, click on the
book cover. |
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