|
|
| |
|
Home
> Elder Care >
the elusive walker |
| |
| |
| |
 John
F. Tomczak is the author of Shared Knowledge - Dealing With
Bereavement.
John's passion is to make all Canadians
aware of how hospice societies can help
them and their loved ones at a time
of need.
John
has been recognized for his many
exemplary contributions as a board
member of Victoria Hospice Society and
the Independent Living Housing Society
as well as a founding member of Canada's
first bereavement self help group.
John is
the owner of
bereavement.ca
|
| |
The Elusive Walker
By John F. Tomczak
It is a
good idea to keep not only an open mind but a flexible
one when you are a volunteer in the Hospice Walking
Group Program.
Our only
contact with the people is by phone and try as one might
it is difficult not to have some perception of the
person we have contacted. Of course once you meet the
person you once again realize that perception is never
the case. Claire and I along with the other volunteers
have been doing this for some time and now and then we
get a little surprise.
I had
contacted our Elusive Friend and looked forward to
meeting him. He appeared to be enthusiastic about the
idea of meeting new friends.
I
noticed he was very careful to get directions to our
meeting place despite the fact that the Bereavement
Office had sent him a map along with the invitation to
the Walking Group Program. Much to my surprise he did
not meet us at the meeting place.
This is
not all that unusual as sometimes folks have difficulty
in taking the first step. It is not easy, trust me, I
have been there. After the walk as I was getting into my
car this man came up and thanked me for the great walk,
told me how much he enjoyed it, shook hands and away he
went. I was sure that he had not been on the Walk but
then I couldn't be positive. He didn't come to our
refreshment place but once again that is not unusual on
the first walk.
For some
reason Claire was not available for the first Walk so I
told her about our Elusive Friend when I got home. We
agreed that next Saturday would probably be a little
interesting and we would most likely see how this little
saga turns out.
The next
Saturday I kept looking for our new friend and finally
spotted him walking about a hundred yards behind the
rest of us. It takes a lot to faze us but this was
something new. We just kept on walking with our group
but now and then checked to see if our friend was
following us at the same distance. We sensed that he
wanted to talk, as he had the week before, so we waited
until the rest of the group had left for the refreshment
place. Once again our Elusive Friend thanked us for the
pleasant walk and turned as to leave.
Claire
said, "How about giving me a Hospice Hug." He turned
back, went into Claire's open arms and the tears came.
Nobody said a word. After a few minutes he regained his
composure, once again thanked us, promised to attend the
next Saturday and went on his way.
Claire
and I discussed this event with the other volunteers and
it was decided that we would respect his behavior, be
supportive but we would not intrude.
The next
Saturday our friend parked his car a bit apart but where
we could easily see it. He got out of his car, sort of
just wandered around but came no closer to the rest of
the walkers and the volunteers. Claire walked over to
him, spent a bit of time making friends with his small
dog and when the group moved off suggested he walk with
her. Our friend agreed and they followed a bit behind
the main group. Claire tells the rest of the story.
"We
started on the walk and our friend started to talk. It
was as if a floodgate had opened for him. He told me
his whole life's story. The illness of his wife, how she
died, their life together the children and how his life
had changed. His friends had forgotten him except for a
few phone calls soon after the death of his wife. He was
abandoned, as it were, by his former life and then he
found us. He felt part of the group even if he had made
no effort to know any of the folks.
We
walked almost a full hour and this man only paused to
take a breath. He changed from a rather reserved
stranger into a cheerful, talkative, very pleasant man
in the space of one hour."
Claire
somehow convinced him to come to our refreshment place
where he met the rest of the walkers and volunteers. The
change in our new friend was the most remarkable I have
seen in twenty years of volunteering in the Walking
Group Program.
A
volunteer learns a lesson almost every time we start a
new walk. We know very little about the walkers. We know
the age, the name of their loved one but little else.
This is just as well because we, the volunteers, are
there as friends who just want to share a gentle walk in
the fresh air amid beautiful surroundings.
When one
thinks about it there is a real message for us in the
behavior of this man. We learned that he was an
extremely shy man but once he got to know and trust us
he became an outgoing happy person.. Unhappily he died
a few years after we met him and I have been thankful
that we were able to have witnessed the change in his
life. He participated in many of our activities and
resumed his friendships with his former friends. He
learned that he had to sometimes take the first step
with his former friends.
Simone
Weil says it best:
Those who are unhappy have no need for
anything in this world but people capable of giving them
their attention.
The
capacity to give one's attention to a sufferer is a rare
and difficult thing.
It is
almost a miracle; it is a miracle!
All we
need to do is be there and listen.
|
|
|
| Copyright John
F. Tomczak. All rights reserved |
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
 |
| |
|
For more information on bereavement support, or to
purchase Shared Knowledge, click on the
book cover. |
|
| |
| |
|
It's
easy to stay up to date on the things that interest you.
Just 
