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Visiting endless thoughts |
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 John
F. Tomczak is the author of Shared Knowledge - Dealing With
Bereavement.
John's passion is to make all Canadians
aware of how hospice societies can help
them and their loved ones at a time
of need.
John
has been recognized for his many
exemplary contributions as a board
member of Victoria Hospice Society and
the Independent Living Housing Society
as well as a founding member of Canada's
first bereavement self help group.
John is
the owner of
bereavement.ca
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Visiting Endless Thoughts
By John F. Tomczak
Now
and then a newly bereaved person will tell me about
a recurring thought or dream they have about their
loved one that never seems to end. It is as if a
video or CD is playing in the background all the
time. They feel possessed by these thoughts or
dreams and they seem powerless to stop them. No one
has told me that they are depressing or
upsetting. It is just that they seen to have no
control over them, and that can be annoying.
After Collette’s death I had the feeling that
somehow an endless tape was being played for me in
the background. It wasn’t a dream in the daytime but
it was always there. In my case I relived Collette’s
illness, the care she received from Hospice, the
help of our children and friends, and her funeral
over and over again. This feeling and dream of
course didn’t stop and it continued during the
daytime, not all the time, but I certainly had no
control over the situation.
It
has been many years since I experienced these dreams
or thoughts. I wanted to talk about this with my
friends, not to make light of what was happening to
them but to relate how I was able to cope with those
never-ending thoughts or dreams similar to those
they were experiencing.
During a game of cards somebody will mention several
times that they can’t stop thinking about the death
of their loved one. That usually encourages others
to talk about the same subject. This has happened
to me many times and usually puts the game on
hold. Most people are visibility relieved to hear
that their friends have had the same experience. Now
and then I hear things like “Thank God I thought I
was going crazy.”
It is perfectly normal to
continually relive the life we once had with our
loved one. However when the reliving becomes all
consuming and interferes in a person’s life then it
becomes another matter.
After every one who wishes to has talked about this
subject, I usually get a chance to tell my story.
Because I have been part of the Bereavement Self
Help Social Group for some years folks are usually
kind enough to listen to my experience. But before I
can gently get my point across I have to tell
another story.
After two serious heart attacks I finally had my
heart repaired.
Afterwards I attended a series of
talks by folks who are in the business of repairing
hearts. They were doctors, nurses, nutritionists and
others who gave much practical advice so that we,
the new members of the “zipper club.” could take
care of ourselves. One of the speakers was a
psychologist and his message was quite simple. “One
of the worst things that can happen to you has
happened. Now you can either take charge of your
situation or it will take charge of you.” I thought
that sounded like pretty good advice and I asked him
if we could have a talk one day soon. He said
“Certainly, but be sure and bring along seventy
dollars.”
So I
went to see this seventy-dollar man and it was worth
it. After I had told him of my reoccurring dream he
taught me a very simple trick and that was to scream
“stop”- in my mind of course, - every time I had
this recurring thought. I was also told to expect
that I would have to keep at it for some time.
Well, it worked. The endless tape played less and
less, and the dreams also slowly ceased. It was not
easy but it was worth the seventy dollars and then
some.
I
really didn’t want to stop thinking about Collette
and our life together completely; I just wanted to
have some measure of control. Now when I think of
how simple the solution is, I smile at
myself. Whenever the mood strikes me I will find a
quiet spot and have a visit with Collette. There are
so many happy times to think about and of course
those little tiffs married people have now and
then. All the crazy things we did together, and the
birthdays with the kids and their friends, and so on
and on. Then, when I have had my little visit I
gently put it all away until the next time.
As
that nice seventy dollar man told me I could either
take charge of the situation or it would take charge
of me. I feel that I have taken charge and I enjoy
my visits with Collette and they are good for me.
Some
people recall that a song or a type of music will
bring on an overwhelming sense of loss. Others have
spoken about the difficulty of attending social
gatherings alone. I can remember driving along and
being overwhelmed by a sense of loss so great that I
had to pull off the road. I would like to gently
suggest that if bereaved people take the time to
have a quiet visit with their loved one it may go a
long way to accepting their new life’s condition
while not forgetting the past.
Claire and I talk a lot about John and Collette and
I know she too enjoys visits with John; I mean the
other John of course.
One
evening, quite late, I heard my dear Claire sobbing
quietly in her den. Claire and I have our own dens
and some evenings we don’t see all that much of each
other. But this was unusual and I quietly went into
her den. Claire was looking at an interview that she
and John had given to a newspaper just prior to his
death. The article talked about the excellent care
John received and how much it was appreciated by
Claire. I sat by her side and we read the entire
article together. We talked about John and her love
for him. We also remembered the care given to both
of our loves and how thankful we are for that. We
read, once again the poem John had left for Claire
and which is hanging in her den; and of course we
held each other.
Once
again I was reminded that the bereavement process
lasts for your lifetime.
Life
has been good to Claire and me. We enjoy life as it
has been given to us. But, Claire has a wicked sense
of humor and now and then it shows up at the
strangest times.
After we had put the article away Claire said “And
to think that I married two men called John and both
bald!”
The
visits I have with Collette never leave me with a
sad feeling; rather they are occasions that allow me
to reconnect with the part of my life that I shared
with this wonderful woman.
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| Copyright John
F. Tomczak. All rights reserved |
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For more information on bereavement support, or to
purchase Shared Knowledge, click on the
book cover. |
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