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Beautiful goodbyes |
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 John
F. Tomczak is the author of Shared Knowledge - Dealing With
Bereavement.
John's passion is to make all Canadians
aware of how hospice societies can help
them and their loved ones at a time
of need.
John
has been recognized for his many
exemplary contributions as a board
member of Victoria Hospice Society and
the Independent Living Housing Society
as well as a founding member of Canada's
first bereavement self help group.
John is
the owner of
bereavement.ca
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Beautiful Goodbyes
Families need not be alone when
loved ones are ready to pass on.
By John F. Tomczak
Death can be beautiful.
Collette Tomczak's death was quiet and respectful as
she lay in the arms of her husband and partner of
some forty five years. In the couple's bedroom their
five children stood silently with their
spouses. Collette knew they were all there: knew she
was loved.
In
her last week she was never alone. The house was
busy with her sons, daughters and grandchildren.
They reminisced about holidays and pranks that
filled their younger years.
The
night before her parting, John, Collette and their
son Kim, shared a midnight cocktail, carefully
served to Collette through an eye dropper. By noon
the next day, the family gathered to say a final
goodbye. John knew it was time - they all did.
"The
greatest gift Collette ever gave was when she said
she didn't mind dying because she couldn't live as
she was," John says.
And
so Collette's journey ended peacefully and with
dignity.
John
Holmes's death was much the same. He and his wife,
Claire, of 14 years moved to Victoria from Ottawa
with the knowledge that his time was limited. The
cancer that started in John's liver was crippling
his body. Regardless, the couple had long intended
to retire in the B.C. capital and not even death
would stop them.
"We
shared the most intimate moments throughout that
period," Claire says. "It was absolutely
marvelous." They spent a final Christmas together -
a neighbor brought over a complete Christmas dinner
as Claire was busy looking after John.
A
few days before his death, John requested that
Claire's brother, Aurele come out from Montreal. The
end was near and John didn't want Claire to be alone
when he was gone. Like Collette Tomczak, John Holmes
died in peace with his loved ones by his side.
Their surviving spouses agree the involvement of
Victoria Hospice helped make both deaths beautiful,
allowing both partners to die at home in
comfortable and familiar surroundings. This
non-profit also served an important relief role for
the caregivers.
"One
day I realized that I was at the end of my rope,"
John recalls. "So I walked up to Hospice and asked
for help. "Not only was Hospice's role in preparing
the families for death invaluable, the after-care
support brought their families closer together and
allowed them to move forward with fond memories at
heart.
Twenty 20 years later, one of Tomczak's
grandchildren still speaks of the nice counselor,
from Hospice who came to the house to answer any
questions the children might have about Collette's
death. Nothing was left hidden or unsaid.
The
Hospice experience later led John and Claire to each
other. "We met at a skating rink and started to
talk," Claire says. "We talked about Hospice and we
felt so connected I thought maybe we could have
lunch one day." The two met one year after Claire's
husband died and four years after Collette's
death. Ten months later they were married.
That
was 18 years ago.
Both
volunteer in the Walking Group Program at Victoria
Hospice for bereaved people. "It's amazing the
connection that people make," John says. Going for
walk is a safe place to be able to talk about the
issues around losing a loved one, he adds.
John
and Claire will never forget their former partners
yet in each other they are lucky enough to have
found love a second time. As Claire never had
children of her own John gave her one of his sons as
a wedding present.
Canada has been blessed with many very good hospices
from coast to coast. It is the hope of John and
Claire that all those who have a loved one in a
terminally illness situation will ask their local
Hospice for help.
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| Copyright John
F. Tomczak. All rights reserved |
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For more information on bereavement support, or to
purchase Shared Knowledge, click on the
book cover. |
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