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7 Ways to Squelch Holiday Squabbles
Etiquette expert shares tips for a harmonious
holiday season
By Sherry
Rauh
WebMD
Feature |
Do the holidays send you running for antacids, not
because of too much food ... but because of too much
family? This year, try replacing the Tums with a
peacekeeping plan. According to Peggy Post, author of
the 17th edition of Emily Post's Etiquette,
would-be holiday peacekeepers should arm themselves with
the fundamentals of etiquette, "consideration, respect,
and honesty." Post shared the following tips for
promoting harmony at family gatherings.
1. Be Realistic
Post tells WebMD the
first step toward enjoying the festivities is to set
aside idealized images of how things should go. "Be
realistic," she says. "Don't think anything is going to
be perfect."
Psychologist Peter
Wish, PhD, agrees that expectations are key. "Be
prepared and know that people tend to get on each
other's nerves and push buttons that can go all the way
back to childhood," he tells WebMD. "People have these
tapes in their head and tend to respond the way they did
years ago. You don't need to respond the way you did
before."
2. Anticipate
Conflicts
"Plan ahead and try to
be as calm as possible with other people," Post says. If
you can anticipate the types of conflicts that are
likely to come up, you can plan a response in advance.
This can help avoid the knee-jerk reactions that tend to
escalate tensions. For example, if you tend to have the
same argument with Dad again and again, come up with a
plan to break the cycle. One strategy is to signal your
spouse to run interference.
Once you have a plan
to keep yourself in line, decide how you will handle
bickering among other family members. Wish suggests
separating "the combatants" and asking them to call a
truce for the common good.
3. Share the Work
Eda Lang, a retired
teacher, has hosted her extended family and friends for
many holidays over the years. She says one of the
biggest sources of tension is trying to prepare a feast
solo when you're working full time. "You want to do
right by Mom and Dad and all your loved ones, and you
don't want any of them to be alone on Thanksgiving, so
you invite them all. But you are stressed out from work
and you have no one to help."
Lang's solution is to
ask relatives to help with the cooking instead of
bringing gifts. "Then it does not fall on one person's
shoulders economically or physically," she tells WebMD.
"Get very specific when telling people what to bring."
Post agrees that
sharing the workload is a good way to avoid short fuses.
This goes for serving and clearing, as well as cooking.
"Hopefully no one is just sitting there being waited
on," she says, adding that football does not excuse men
from pitching in. "At Thanksgiving, many women like to
watch the football games, too." She suggests assigning
tasks ahead of time so everyone will know when and how
they are supposed to help.
4. Define 'On Time'
"Being on time is
really respecting other people's time," Post says.
"Communicate about what 'on time' means to you. It means
different things to different people."
Post also advises to
call if you're running late and check with the host
first if you plan to arrive early. If you are the host,
let family members know what time you would like them to
arrive, rather than what time you plan to start the
meal. Don't assume people will come early to help unless
you ask them directly.
5. Avoid Re-Gifting
"You don't have to
break the bank for a really nice gift," Post says. "The
key is to find something the person will really like.
Stay away from re-gifting, because people's feelings
will be hurt" if the gift seems too generic (or if they
recognize it from last year).
Post says some
families have reined in holiday spending while improving
the quality of gifts by drawing names. "You focus on one
family member each year and really get something special
for that person."
When receiving gifts,
Post says to apply the principle of "benevolent
honesty." If you don't like a present, find something
nice to say about it without lying. "Always be
appreciative and thank the person up front."
6. Avoid Awkward
Surprises
It's a familiar
dilemma for many families: What do you do if your
parents (or in-laws or close friends) are divorced and
don't get along, but you want to invite them both?
"Sometimes you have to
have separate celebrations for the sake of family
harmony," Post says. But if you're set on having
everyone together, run it by the ex-spouses first. "Take
your cue from the one you're closest to," Post advises.
"Say, 'I'd love to invite John, too. Is that OK with
you?'" Whatever you decide, inform both parties ahead of
time so they don't show up and feel surprised.
A similar strategy can
help in other awkward scenarios. For example, if your
brother wants to bring his partner home for Christmas,
and you're worried your grandparents will disapprove,
give them advance notice. "Tell them to be on their best
behavior and put aside their differences at holiday
time," Wish says. "If they start to act up, pull them
aside and tell them it's
unacceptable."
7. Be Inclusive
If your family
includes people of different religions or ethnicities,
Post suggests including traditions that will make
everyone feel welcome. "Some families have made it work
out beautifully to celebrate all religions," she tells
WebMD. This doesn't mean you must join in any rituals
that make you uncomfortable. "If there is a prayer going
on, you don't have to participate," she says. "You can
just quietly sit there."
Wish agrees that honoring
your relatives' traditions can promote harmony at
holiday gatherings. "Don't let people feel left out," he
says. "Have something there that celebrates for
everyone."
© 2006, WebMD Inc. All rights reserved.
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