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Late Night Wisdom
"The
oldest person in America passed away today at the
age of 114. In most cultures around the world, old
people are respected. Here, we honor them by taping
them doing stupid things and putting it on Youtube."
-Craig Ferguson
"Samsung just came out with this new refrigerator
that has built-in Internet and a screen on the
outside so you can display family photos and
recipes. Or for $2,000 less, you can buy a magnet."
-Jimmy Fallon
"Happy Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Tiger.
I'm so stupid, I'm still writing 'Year of the Ox' on
my checks." -David Letterman
"Another blizzard in New York. I saw a cop yesterday
and he was up to his neck in snow. I said, 'Wow,
you're having a rough day.' He said, 'Yeah, it's
even rougher on my horse.'" -David Letterman
"Buzz Aldrin will be on 'Dancing With the Stars.' He
may be the only man to have walked on the moon and
moonwalked in the same lifetime." -Jimmy Kimmel
"Search crews in Montana are looking for two bags of
mail in the wilderness that fell out of a plane last
week. Meanwhile, a bunch of squirrels were excited
to learn they'd been pre-approved for a Discover Card."
-Jimmy Fallon
"Today is Pancake Day, the day that we remember and
pay tribute to all of the pancakes that have died in
my stomach." -Jimmy Kimmel
"PETA was outside the Westminster Kennel Club Dog
Show last night protesting. They want the dogs to
stop wearing fur." -David Letterman
"Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but
guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that
you're having too good a time." -Dennis Miller
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