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'Late Night'
Wisdom Part 9
"According to USA Today, Starbucks in going to
market an energy drink. It's for people who get
tired while waiting in line at Starbucks." - Conan
O'Brien
"It's time to pay your income tax. My accountant
wants me to move the show to the Cayman Islands."
- David Letterman
"
John McCain is in Iraq this week. He said his goal
as president would be to introduce the Iraqi people
to the concept of the early bird special." - Jay Leno"
As if we don't have enough problems. Fifteen different
prescription drugs in our drinking water. Fifteen!
Honest to God, you need a doctor's prescription to
turn on the faucet." -David Letterman"
At a recent speech to hundreds of university
professors, Bill Gates said it's puzzling why more
kids don't want to become computer programmers. Gee,
I don't know, you think maybe it's because at some point they'd actually
like to have a girlfriend." -Jay Leno
They raised the price of tickets to Disney World to
$59.75. They've also put up a new sign that says
'Your wallet must be this big to get in.'"
- Jay Leno
"They were celebrating St. Patrick's Day in
Washington. President Bush was a little confused. He
came out onto the White House lawn and pardoned the
corn beef."
- Dave Letterman
"I read in the paper that by the year 2015, obesity
will be the leading cause of death. Especially for
the person on the bottom."
-Jay Leno
"Disney announced that they're banning smoking from
all their movies. Which means they won't be buying
the scripts I wrote. I wrote a script for Disney
called 'Smoke-ahontas'. And another one, the follow-up, 'Cigarella.'" - Craig
Ferguson
"In
sports The Florida Marlins have announced they will
form an all-male, plus-size cheerleading squad. They
will be called the Marlin Brandos." - Conan O'Brien
"Another Democratic debate last night. This time in
Ohio. The big winner? 'American Idol.'" -Jay Leno
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