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| Bar Jokes |
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Bob meets Bill at the bar after work and is
looking down in the dumps.
"What’s wrong now Bob," asked Bill.
Bob replies, "They called in a management team and
gave everyone in the office an aptitude test to see what
they were best suited for."
"Yeah, so what’s the problem with that," asks Bill.
Bob sighs, "Well, it seems I'm best suited for
unemployment." |
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Two
men walk into a bar. One sits at one end of the bar and the
other at the opposite end. The bartender asks the first man
what he wants.
I'll have a Frizzle...that's a beer with a splash of
tonic, a splash of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, no
lime."
Then the man at the other end of the bar orders. "Make
mine a Frizzle. It's a beer with just a bit of tonic, a bit
of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, but no lime."
The astonished bartender makes the drinks. Then he asks the
first man what he does for a living.
"I am a theoretical mathematician at the university."
Then he asks the other man what he does.
"Theoretical mathematician at the college."
"This is remarkable," says the bartender. "You both order a
drink that I've never heard of. You have the
identical profession and you both walk into my bar on the
same day at the same time. What are the odds on something
like that happening?"
Both men look up and answer in unison, "Twelve
trillion, nine hundred, and eighty-seven billion to one."
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The
man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car
parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along,
he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop
asked.
"My wife," said the man.
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A man walks into a bar, and asks the bartender if he could have a free drink if he shows him something amazing. The bartender thinks about it, and says "Sure, as long as it's nothing naughty"
The guy agrees and pulls a hamster from his pocket, and puts it on the bar, and the hamster starts dancing. So the bartender is impressed and gives him his drink. After a while the man asks for another free drink if he can show something else more amazing, and the bartender agrees.
The guy pulls a frog out of his pocket and puts it on the bar, and the frog starts singing, so the bartender gives him his free drink. The bartender thinks about it, and offers to buy the frog for a hundred bucks.
The guy agrees and gives the tender his frog, and when the tender goes to the back room, the guy next to him says "hey, you could have been rich with that frog"
And the guy says "nah, the hamster's a ventriloquist"
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This guy was lonely so he decided life would be more fun if he
had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that
he wanted to buy an
unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a
centipede that came in a little white box to use as its house.
The guy took the box back home, found a good location for the
box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to
the bar to have a drink.
So, he
asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to
Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from
his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few
minutes and then asked again, "How about going to the bar and
having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from
his new friend and pet. He waited a few minutes more, thinking
about the situation.
He
decided to ask one more time; this time putting his face up
against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there!
Would you like to go to
Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little
voice came from the box:...........
"I heard
you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
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A bartender is
sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts
open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the
bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take
their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are
popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and
chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the
chanting grows."51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes
show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof.
"51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her
arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the
middle and the table erupts.
Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table,
exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51
days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he
walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully
framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.
When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one
of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration
about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone
thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we
decided to set the record straight. Ten of us, got together,
bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box
said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
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A little guy is sitting at the
bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big
trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink
and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts
crying.
"Come on man, I was just
giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you
another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the
little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I
overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss
fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was
stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but,
after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the
cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener.
So I
came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end
to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn
poison!!!!
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A man walked into a bar and
ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine,
then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before
the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began
weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to
bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a
compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before
long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his
problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the
bartender said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated
by him, and they say he's as good as they get."
The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the
bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done
a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I
suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white
wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing
the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the
wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel.
"The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He
sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world
of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The
bartender exclaimed.
"Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me
anymore!"
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If
you have a favorite joke you'd like added please
let us know. |
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More Jokes: |
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