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| Medical Jokes |
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A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could
you connect me to the person who gives
information about patients. I'd like to find out
if a family member is doing better."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the
patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel
in room 302."
"Are you a family member?"
"Yes, Yes I am.." "Hold on.. let me look at her
records... Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In
fact, she's had two full meals, her blood
pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the
heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she
continues this improvement, looks like Dr. Cohen
is going to send her home very soon!"
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's
fantastic... that's wonderful news!" The nurse
said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a
sister or perhaps an aunt..?"
"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302!.. and NOBODY
ever tells me anything!"
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A doctor said to his patient: "You
have a slight heart condition, but I wouldn't worry
about it."
"Really, Doc?" the patient replied. "Well, if you had
a slight heart condition I wouldn't worry about it
either." |
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I went to the
doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with
certain basics.
How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It
turns out my weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5' 5".
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is
very high.
"Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in
here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on
Prozac. |
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While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.
"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
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A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses the day after the ad came
out.
All from the same person.
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| On her way to
visit our mother, who was a patient in the hospital, my teenage
sister got on an elevator. A nurse standing beside the floor buttons
said, "I.C.U." My puzzled sister paused before replying, "I see
you, too." |
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A man who had
just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a
bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had
been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be
complaining of a headache. Finally his nurse, fearing that the man
might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the
doctor about it. The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a
thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through
the operation we ran out of anesthetic. |
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I went into my
proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse,
Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed
and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he
would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave
me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items
on a stand next to the exam table: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber
glove, and a beer. When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look
Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the
K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me
what the BEER is for?" At that Doctor Paul became noticeably
outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and
yelled to his nurse.......
"Darn it ELAINE !!!! I
said a BUTT light"
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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for
patients being discharged. However, while working as a medical
student, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting
on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need
my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel
him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife
was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown."
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| I sat there waiting for my new doctor to
make his way through the file that contained my very extensive
medical history. After he finished all 17 pages, he looked at
me and said, "You look better in person than you do on
paper." |
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If
you have a favorite joke you'd like added please
let us know. |
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More Jokes: |
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