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Dear Abby,
I've never
written to you before, but I
really need your advice. I have
suspected for some time now that
my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs. Phone rings but
if I answer, the caller hangs
up. My wife has been going out
with "the girls" a lot recently
although when I ask their names
she always says, "Just some
friends from work, you don't
know them."
I always try to
stay awake to look out for her
coming home, but I usually fall
asleep. Anyway, I have never
approached the subject with my
wife. I think deep down I just
didn't want to know the truth,
but last night she went out
again and I decided to really
check on her. Around midnight, I
decided to hide in the garage
behind my golf clubs so I could
get a good view of the whole
street when she arrived home
from a night out with "the
girls".
It was at that
moment, crouching behind my
clubs, that I noticed that the
graphite shaft on my driver
appeared to have a hairline
crack right by the club head. Is
this something I can fix myself
or should I take it back to the
pro shop where I bought it?
Signed,
Perplexed
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The new priest is nervous about hearing
confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit
in on his sessions. He is trying so hard to be
attentive and interested and efficient in his
job.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions.
Then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions. The old
priest suggests, try this. "Cross your arms over
your chest, and rub your chin with one hand....
and say things like, "Yes, I see," and "Yes, go
on," and "I understand."
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin
with one hand repeats all the suggested
remarks to the old priest. The old priest says,
"Now, don't you think that's a little better
than slapping your knee, saying, "No shit ...
what happened next?"
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A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first
baseball game. The first batter approaches the
batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a
double.
Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!!!" The
next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as
the crowd again cheers "RUN!! RUN!!" The Scotsman is
enjoying the game and begins screaming with the
fans.
The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The
Umpire calls: "Walk." The batter starts his slow
trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams,
"Run ye lazy bastard rrrun!"
The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed,
the Scot sits back down. A friendly fan notes the
man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He
can't run ~ he has four balls."
The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride,
Laddie!"
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A Priest was seated next to a Newfie on a
flight to St.John's. After the plane was airborne,
drink orders were taken. The Newfie asked for a Lambs
Rum and Pepsi, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would
like a drink. He replied in disgust....."I'd rather be
savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch
my lips."
The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant
and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
In a trial, a Southern small-town
prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a
grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He
approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" |
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| She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you,
Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy,
and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You
lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people
and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're
a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you
never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher. Yes, I know you." The
lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he
pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you
know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do.
I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.
He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his
law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know
him."
The defense attorney almost died. The
judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and,
in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots
asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric
chair." |
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Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the
University of Victoria. To enforce that rule, the
management posted this notice: "Shoes are required to
eat in this cafeteria."
Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever
they want." |
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Not quite grasping the sanctity of "Monday Night
Football," I plunked myself next to my new husband one
Monday night to chat. He was distracted by the action on
TV, and after being shushed a few times, I gave him a
"look."
Immediately contrite, he picked up the remote. "I'm
sorry, honey," he apologized, "I'm being rude. You go
ahead and talk--I'll just turn up the volume."
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One night while I was cat-sitting my
daughter's indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it
failed to return the following morning, I found the
beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly
tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire
department.
"We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said.
When I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will
come down when it gets hungry enough."
How do you know that?" I asked.
"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she
said.
Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast. |
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The autumn I was eight months
pregnant with our first child, we moved into a new
community. Soon after our arrival, a lady came to the
door one day collecting for charity as well as looking
for more canvassers. I told her to ask me again next
year. A year later the woman returned, but again I
was eight months pregnant. With a chuckle, she promised
to try another time.
Somehow I missed her the following autumn, and she
came instead in February, canvassing for another charity
and hoping to get more volunteers. She looked at my
bulging form in disbelief and exclaimed, "Every time I
come here, you're pregnant!'
"I know," I agreed. "Please don't come any more." |
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At
the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who
was carrying a very long pole.
"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"
"Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist
Walter?" |
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My
husband I often spell words so that our small
children won't understand what we're saying. I didn't
realize what a habit this had become until one day when
my husband I were in the grocery store at the soup
aisle. An aggressive young woman banged into our cart,
then nudged me over, blocking my access to the soup.
Annoyed, I looked at my husband said, "Boy is she
r-u-d-e!"
"Yeah," he said, "but I'll bet she can s-p-e-l-l." |
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Standing on the sidelines during a football game at my
son's high school, I saw one of the players take a hard
hit. He tumbled to the ground and didn't move. We
grabbed our first aid gear and rushed out onto the
field.
The coach picked up the young man's hand urged,
"Son, can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice
for no." |
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The college football player knew his way around the
locker room better than he did the library, so when my
husband's co-worker saw the gridiron star roaming the
stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.
"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.
"Which one?" she asked.
He scanned the shelves and answered, "William. |
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I
dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I
am not available right now, but thank you for caring
enough to call. I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If
I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
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Before boarding a bus, a man asked the driver, "What is
the fare to the train station?"
"Sixty cents," said the driver.
As the bus pulled away the man raced alongside it until
the next stop. When the doors opened again he gasped,
"How much is the fare now?"
"Ninety cents," said the driver. "You're running the
wrong way." |
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A
mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all
given a red rubber ball and told to find the
volume.
The mathematician carefully measured the diameter
and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the
ball in the water and measured the total
displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers
in his red-rubber-ball table.
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ALL
MEN / ALL GIRLS?
When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son,
Cody, would say their nightly prayers together.
As most children do, we have to bless every family
member, every friend, and every animal (current and
past ).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly
prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."
As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to
include this at the end, my curiosity got the best
of me and I asked her,
"Kelli, why do you always add the part about all
girls?"
Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers
by saying 'All Men'!"
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The
new Supermarket near our house has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before
it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder
and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows
mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck
and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing
aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh
buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
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A husband was in BIG trouble when he
forgot his wedding anniversary.
"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be
something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two
seconds flat!"
The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small
package in the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it,
and found a brand new bathroom scale.
His funeral is on Saturday at 2 p.m. |
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During the "rush hour" at Vancouver
Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem.
Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft
was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew
worked on it. The passengers were then told the new gate
number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the
new gate, only to find a third gate had been designated for
them.
After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and
as hey were settling in, the flight attendant made the
standard announcement, "We apologize for the inconvenience
of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to
Calgary. If your destination is not Calgary, you
should deplane' at this time."
A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from
the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, wrong
plane." |
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You
are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your
left side is a valley and on your right side is a
fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same
size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind
you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the
giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at
the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly
dangerous situation?
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're
drunk. |
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Jim's doctor tells him he has only one day to live.
When Jim goes home to share the bad news with his
wife, she asks what he wants to do with the little
bit of time he has left.
"All I want," Jim tells his beloved wife, "is to
spend my last few hours reliving our honeymoon."
Which is exactly what they did.
But after hours of blissful romance, she announces
that she's tired and wants to go to sleep.
"Oh, come on," Jim whispers in her ear.
"Look," his wife snaps, "I've got to get up in the
morning. You don't!"
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According to
my mother, she and Dad decided to start a family soon after
he became an officer in the Air Force. When months went by
without success, they consulted the base physician, who
chose to examine Mom right then and there.
"Please disrobe," he told her.
"With him in the room??" she yelled, pointing to my
father.
Turning to Dad, the doctor said, "Captain, I think I
found the problem." |
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A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once
all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a
statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you
were near the scene - what happened?"
"Well, it's like this. Old Charley was in the mixing
room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket
and light up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator
said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the
company?"
"About 20 years, sir"
"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a
match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have
been the last thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir."
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When Mother
Teresa died and went to heaven, God greeted her at the
Pearly Gates.
"Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.
So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye
bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble
meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the
inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and
pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.
The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal.
Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa
could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey,
venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna
was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer.
Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with
you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here
in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread
and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I
just don't understand it..."
God sighed. "Let's be honest Terry," he said, "For just two
people, it doesn't pay to cook." |
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If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have
been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined
by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was
trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....
Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching
the description of the offender, running several blocks
away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this
so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do
you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation
for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow
officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your
locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court
complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk
through that room."
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was
called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this
year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win |
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Three
Women - One German, One Japanese and a Newfie were sitting
naked in a Jacuzzi. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The
German lady pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The
others looked at her questioningly. "That was my
pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my
arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted
her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That
was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The
Newfie woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she
decided she had to do something just as
impressive. She stepped out of the Jacuzzi and went to the
bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging
out from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows
and just stared at her.
The
Newfie woman finally said, "LORD THUNDERIN JEEZUZ, WILL
YOU LOOK AT THAT. I'M GETTING A FAX." |
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An
engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were moose hunting
in northern Canada. After a short walk through the marshes
they spotted a HUGE moose 150 meters away.
The engineer raised his gun and fired at the moose. A
puff of dust showed that the bullet landed 3 meters to the
right of the moose.
The physicist, realizing that there was a substantial
breeze that the engineer did not account for, aimed to the
left of the moose and fired. The bullet landed 3 meters to
the left of the moose.
The statistician jumped up and down screaming, "We got
him! We got him!" |
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Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the
church choir. From time to time she would practice while she
was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would
start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.
His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe?
Don't you like my singing?"
Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to
make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you." |
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A woman had
gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she
squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the
added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her
husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side
of the house?"
"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue." |
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| A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart
bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself
in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions
regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked, "Do you have health insurance?"
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help
you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are
not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my
brother-in-law." |
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| A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother,
who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The
farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new
mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly,
non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as
she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding
changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life
unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the
forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up
and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her
instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their
feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer
stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked
by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would
whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head
yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and
whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his
head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor
later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a
terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes,
it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that
mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's
all booked up for a year'." |
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Bubba and Homer were sitting in back of their trailers,
shooting the breeze.
Bubba asked Homer, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while
you wuz out fishin' an' I made love to yore wife, an'
she got pregnant, would that make us kin?"
Homer scratched his head for a bit then said,
"I don't think so, but it shore would make us even."
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The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter
had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job."
he said and handed the man a check. "Also, as a bonus,
here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a
movie."
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the
painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked,
"What's the matter, did you forget something?"
"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take
your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked." |
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While watching a football game a couple weeks back, my wife
and I were discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so
you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that
ever happens, just pull the plug."
She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my
beer.
Some days I hate being married to a smartass! |
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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to
his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch
while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand two quarters
in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do
you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never
learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy
coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you
a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the
dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take
the dollar, the game's over! |
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Things are always going wrong with a house. Yesterday,
my wife called the plumber and when he came in he
said, "Where's the drip?"
She said, "Upstairs trying to fix the leak!" |
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Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having
dinner.
Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career
going?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my
swing, but I think I've got that going right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I
need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?"
Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you
can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of
the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his
voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to
where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or
farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward
his voice."
But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front
of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and
I just play the ball toward his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a
round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I
only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a
hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm for that, when
would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night." |
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the
first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand
over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the
second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over
there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy
walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I
don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die
you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were
getting a group together to go right now." |
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An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on
a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in
front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even
though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating
through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof,
and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her
chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in
mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into
the face of a very serious police officer. The officer
ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her
to the police station where she was searched, finger
printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and
opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk
where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal
effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled
up behind your car while you were blowing your horn,
flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue
streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate
holder, the What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow
Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated
Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car." |
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