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More Jokes..... |
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A woman meant to call a record store, but
dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do
you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a
wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I
want to get."
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Yes, Dear
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter
Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two
lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their
household, and the other line for the men who were dominated
by their women. I want all the women to report to St Peter.
"
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was
100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads
of their household, there was only
one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I
created you to be the head of your household! You have been
disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you,
only one obeyed. Learn from him.
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the
only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand
here."
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A matter of punctuation
An English professor wrote the words:
"A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and
asked his students to punctuate it.
All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her
man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her,
man is nothing."
Punctuation....Powerful Tool |
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Christmas Card Oops!
Last Christmas, grandpa was feeling his age,
and found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too
difficult. So he decided to send checks to everyone
instead.
In each card he wrote, "Buy your own
present!" and mailed them early.
He enjoyed the usual flurry of family
festivities, and it was only after the holiday that he
noticed that he had receiving very few cards in return.
Puzzled over this, he went into his study, intending to
write a couple of his relatives and ask what had happened.
It was then, as he cleared off his cluttered desk that he
got his answer. Under a stack of papers, he was horrified to
find the gift checks which he had forgotten to enclose with
the cards.
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A man owned a
small business on Vancouver Island. The Department of Labor
claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent
an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,"
demanded the agent.
"Well,
there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay
him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been
here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free
room and board.
Then there's
the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He makes
$10 a week and I buy him a bottle of Canadian Club Whiskey
every week," replied the business owner.
"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the
agent."
The business
owner says, "That would be me."
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According to the Alaska
Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female
reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer
drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late
November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their
antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting
Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to
Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women
would be able to drag a fat old man in a red velvet suit all
around the world in one night and not get lost. |
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Winter in Vancouver
- chilled Vancouver commuters faced their
second day of winter hell today, as an additional ¼
centimeter of the peculiar white stuff fell, bringing the
lower mainland to its knees and causing millions of dollars
worth of damage to the marijuana crops. Scientists suspect
that the substance is some form of frozen water particles
and experts from Saskatchewan are being flown in. With
temperatures dipping to the almost but not quite near zero
mark, Vancouverites were warned to double insulate their
lattes before venturing out.
Vancouver police recommended that people stay inside except
for emergencies, such as running out of espresso or biscotti
to see them through Vancouver's most terrible storm to date.
The local Canadian Tire reported that they had completely
sold out of fur-lined sandals.
Drivers were cautioned to put their convertible tops up, and
several have been shocked to learn that their SUV's actually
have four wheel drive, although most have no idea how to use
it.
Weary commuters faced soggy sushi, and the threat of frozen
breast implants. Although Dr. John Blatherwick, of the
Coastal Health Authority reassured everyone that most breast
implants were perfectly safe to 25 below, down-filled bras
are flying off the shelves at Mountain Equipment Co-op.
"The government has to do something," snarled an angry Trevor
Warburton. "I didn't pay $540,000 for my one bedroom condo
so I could sit around and be treated like someone from
Toronto."
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Santa's Bad Day
(The Birth of a Tradition)
One particular Christmas season a long time
ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there
were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and
the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the
regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of
being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of
them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence
and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of
the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and
scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple
cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he
discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there
was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little
pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom
and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to
the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel
with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa.
Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.
Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel
on top of the Christmas tree.
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Ducking into
confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive
me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed
my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must
return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father,
what should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to
keep it for your family."
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his
residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found
that someone had stolen his turkey.
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The local
high school has a policy that the parents must call the
school if a student is to be absent for the day.
Alice deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her
friends. So she waited until her parents had left for work
and called the school herself.
"Hi, I'm calling to report that Alice is unable to make it to
school today because she is ill."
Secretary at high school answered, "I'm sorry to hear
that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling please?"
"This is my mother."
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The husband wife go to a counselor after
15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the
problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every
problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been
married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the
counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman
and kisses her passionately.
The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband says "That is what
your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you
do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get
her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf."
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