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More Jokes..... |
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A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. . . Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace the rest of our days." The man replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this —- here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his
head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police. . ."
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Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year
old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old — who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine.
Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout
the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts. The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"
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One Man's Story - Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned
that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know
where the button is," I protested through the shower's pitter-patter. "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it
wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I
unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with
his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.
Wild animals are sometime faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and
cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.
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Holy Water - One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?"
"Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."
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A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: "Hello"
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes"
Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the BMW dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "$90,000"
Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
Man: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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Recently, our 18-year-old daughter started hunting for her first real job. She spent an afternoon filling out
applications, leaving them on the kitchen table to finish
later. As I walked by, a section of the application on top
jumped out at me. Under "Previous Employment" she wrote, "Baby sitting."
In answer to "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "Parents came home."
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A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no" she
said earnestly. "They're very well behaved." |
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A man came
home from work and found his three children outside, still
in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes
and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door
of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the
house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A
lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded
against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly
blaring on a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn
with toys and various items of clothing.
In the
kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled
on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was
spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table,
and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He
quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more
piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she
might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was
met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the
bathroom door.
As he
peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys
strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap
and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he
rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in
the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at
him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her
bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again
smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home
from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes,"
was his incredulous reply.
She
answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
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As an
airline reservation agent, I took a call from a man who wanted
to book a flight for two but wasn't happy with the price of
$59 per ticket. "I want the $49 fare I saw advertised," he
insisted, saying he would accept a flight at any time.
I managed to find two seats on a 6 a.m. flight.
"I'll take it," he said, then worried his wife might not like
the early hour. I warned there was a fee of $25 per person if
he changed the reservation. "Oh, that's no problem," he said
dismissively. "What's fifty bucks?" |
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This is
the fairy tale that we should have been reading as little
girls! Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful,
independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she
sat, contemplating ecological issues, on the shores of an
unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog
hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was
once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon
me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the
dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can
marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my
children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That
night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of
lightly sauté frog legs, seasoned in a white wine and onion
cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't
think so. |
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During a
drive in the country, a squabble broke out between a friend of
mine and her husband regarding his driving habits. Finally in
frustration she proclaimed, "I'm the only woman alive who
would put up with you." "I'll have you know," he said, "that
hundreds of women went out with me in my bachelor days." His
wife replied straight-faced, "I can understand the large turn
over." |
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Norman and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning
while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say,
"We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You
must park your car on the even numbered side of the street,
so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of
snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side
of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's
wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the
radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters
of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric
power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a
worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what
to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
plow can get through?"
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
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A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when
one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the
ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are
rolled back in his head. The other redneck whips out his
cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What
should I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice
says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions.
First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence......and then a shot is heard.
The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now
what?"
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A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You
should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't
have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around
here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I
can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in
the Bible that the man should do the coffee"
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and
showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.......... "Hebrews"
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Actual
Newspaper Headlines (we can only assume!)
Something Went Wrong in
Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be
Belted
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Include your Children When Baking Cookies
4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves
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A southern Baptist minister was completing a
temperance sermon. With
great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world,
I'd take
it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the
wine in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And
if I had all the
whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the
river."
Sermon complete, he sat down. The
song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a
smile,
nearly laughing;
"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365", "Shall We
Gather at the River."
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A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious
financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he
discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been
opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for
three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to
sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the
desperately needed money for the church.
Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for
the task.
The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as
salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But
he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who
had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his
speech impediment.
Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage
Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent
the three of them away with the back seat of their cars
stacked with bibles.
He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their
door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday. Anxious to
find out how successful they were, the minister immediately
asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our
bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied,
"Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and
here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his
hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is
indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for
the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently
replied," I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on
behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You
are truly a professional salesman and the church is also
indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And
Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"
Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The
reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?"
the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are
you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door
to door, in just one week?
Louie just nodded.
That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison.
"We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10
times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think
you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this,
Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know
f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie,
just tell us what you said to them when they answered the
door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied,
"W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy
th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks
---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me
t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to
y-y-you?"
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Canadian Women
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
given their new wives duties.
George had married a woman from America, and bragged that he
had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house
cleaning that needed done at their house.
He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he
came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and
put away.
Jimmie had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he
had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
dishes, and the cooking.
He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but
the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was
clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the
table.
The third man had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he
told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned,
dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the
table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day
he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the
swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his
left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher, and call a landscaper.
God Bless Canadian Women!
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A minister in a little church had been having
trouble with the collections. One Sunday he announced, "Now,
before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request
that the person who stole the chickens from Farmer
Jone's
henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord.
The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!"
The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time
in months everybody gave.
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A man
and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to
the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have
two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play
golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth
and be done with it, I don't have time to wait for the
anesthetic to work!
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this sure is a
very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using
anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey,
and show the doctor which tooth hurts."
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Two
beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City.
One has a cross in front of him. The other one the Star
of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only
put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the
cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving
money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the
beggar behind the Star of David. Finally the priest goes over
to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My
poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country.
People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a
'Star of David' in front of you, especially when you're
sitting beside a beggar who
has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out
of spite."
The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest,
turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe,
look who's trying to teach
the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
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Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies'
group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last
minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from
the oven, the center had dropped flat. She said, "Oh dear,
there's no time to bake another cake."
So, she looked around the house for something to build up the
center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll
of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the
church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her
daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the
bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring
it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had
already been sold. Alice was beside herself. The next day,
Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of
bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game, a
fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in
question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to
rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but
before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies
said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who
was a prominent church member) say. "Thank you, I baked it
myself."
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A man is
stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk
into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The
preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find
Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls
him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, Have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water
again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of
the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the
drunk in the water again-but this time holds him down for
about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs
he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the
love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to
the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?
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A woman hurries home, screeches her car into
the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts
at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the
lottery!"
The husband says, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff
or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."
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Jeremiah
had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems
that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all
been able to walk on water on their 21st birthdays to the boat
club across the lake for their first legal drink.
So when Jeremiah's 21st came around, he and his pal Dwight
took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Jeremiah stepped
out of the boat and nearly drowned. Dwight managed to pull him
to safety.
Furious and confused, Jeremiah went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I
walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his
father before him?"
Granny
looked into Jeremiah's eyes and said, "Because your father,
grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January; you
were born in July."
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Land
Ownership...
Everyone who has ever bought a house can
enjoy this.
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for
a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could
prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered
as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803,
which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After
sending the information to the FHA, he received the following
reply (Actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining
your client's loan application, we note that the request is
supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the
able manner in which you have prepared and presented the
application, we must point out that you have only cleared
title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before
final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear
the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows
(actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No.
189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title
extended further than the 194 years covered by the present
application. I was unaware that any educated person in this
country, particularly those working in the property area,
would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U. S.,
from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our
application. For the edification of uninformed FHA
bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U. S. ownership
was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of
Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of
Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea
captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the
privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish
monarch, Isabella.
The good queen, Isabella, being pious
woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the
precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she
sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope,
as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the
Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this
world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God
also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God,
therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date
back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it
AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be
satisfactory.
Now, may we have our damn loan?"
The loan was approved.
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I was hanging out with a friend of mine when we
saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring
by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every
time she turned her head?"
I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is
turned.
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My wife doesn't complain often, but once she
was having a old-fashioned "heart-to-heart" with me and said,
"Hon, you never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you,
you get this far-away look in your eyes after only a few
seconds. Please promise me you'll try to work on that."
The last thing I remember was replying, "I'm sorry, what was
that you were saying?"
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Only in Texas...
A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over in South Texas and told the
driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just
won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat! "He's
a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop
and moaned," I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said,
in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
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My Dad and I were talking the other night about love
and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as
their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.
The way he tells it, the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this
man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your
wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
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Our Supply Clerk at the factory where I
work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this
warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH!
Management was called and all employees were told to stay
clear of the box until it could be analyzed.
When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and
then, very carefully opened the box. Inside were 25 signs that read:
DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!
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A man and his wife were lying in bed one night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled,
"What 20 Million American Women Want." He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through
the pages. His wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think
you're doing?"
He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name
right."
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"Mr. Clark, I have
reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said,
"And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very
fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll
try to send her a few bucks myself."
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A drunk was proudly showing
off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one
night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass
gong next to the bed.
"What's a big brass gong doing
in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a
talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?"
asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend
asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He
picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering whack,
and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a
moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall
screamed, "You jerk, it's ten past three in the morning!"
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A girl pulled into a crowded
parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure her
Labrador Retriever in the back seat had fresh air while she
went into the store. The dog was stretched out on the back
seat, and she wanted to impress upon her that she must remain
there. She
walked to the curb backward, pointing her finger at the car
and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!
Stay!"
A Policeman in a nearby car
gave her a strange look and said "Why don't you just put it in
park?"
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A motorcycle patrolman was
rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors
operated and advised him that all was well. However, the
patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his
chest.
Worried that it might be a
second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally
got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he
could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy
chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that
doesn't come off easily. Written
in large black letters was the sentence:
"Get well quick, from the
nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
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When my wife and I went up to New England a
couple of years ago we decided to stay in one of those quaint
little inns. The clerk at the inn asked me if we wanted a room
with a shower or a tub.
"What's the difference?" I asked.
"Well, sir, in a tub, you can sit down."
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A screenwriter comes home to a burned down
house. His sobbing wife is standing outside. "What happened,
honey?" the man asks. "Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps.
"I was cooking when the phone rang. It was your agent. Because
I was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove had caught on
fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly
didn't make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is
gone........"
"Wait! Back up a minute," the man says. "My agent called?"
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A very zealous soul-winning
young preacher recently came upon a Farmer working in his
field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher
asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord,
my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work,
the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you
a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer
the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking
for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer,
"Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated
preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it
gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young Preacher
replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day!"
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping
his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to
my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three
days!"
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My father was extremely
nervous about his first funeral service as a Navy chaplain,
but the undertaker assured him that he would prompt him. All
went well until, at the close, the undertaker whispered to him
to instruct the family to come up and view the body. "Will the
family now come forward and pass around the bier," said my
father.
He cringed inwardly when he heard his own words. Later, as my
father was leaving, he overheard two of the cemetery workers
talking. "I didn't get any beer," one said. "Did you?"
"You heard the chaplain," the other replied. "It was just for
the family."
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This happened in a little
town in Newfoundland even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale,
it's absolutely true! This guy was on the side of the road
hitch-hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a
terrible rain storm. The storm was bad and no cars were on
the road. The guy could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car coming toward him and stop. The guy,
without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the
door and only then did he realize there was nobody behind
the wheel! The car started to move very slowly. The guy
looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way.
Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his
life. He had not come out of the shock when, just before the
car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the
window and moved the wheel. The guy, now paralyzed in terror
watched how the hand appeared every time the car was
approaching a curve. Finally, although terrified, the guy
managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car.
Without looking back he ran through the storm all the way to
the nearest town.
Soaking wet, exhausted and in a state of
utter shock, the pale, visibly shaken guy walked into a
nearby bar and asked for two shots of Screech. Then, still
trembling with fright, he started telling everybody in the
bar about the horrible experience he just went through --
the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that
kept appearing. Everyone in the bar listened in silence.
Hairs stood on end when they realized the guy was telling
the truth because he was crying and he definitely was not
drunk.
About half an hour later,
two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other,
"Look, there's the
arsehole who got into the car while we were pushing it!"
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