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One Liners |
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"Conservatives say if you don't
give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest.
As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because
we've given them too much money." --George Carlin
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"Smoking kills. If
you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for
federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major
knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country,"
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are
the President."
Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass
and I'm just the one to do it,"
A congressional candidate in Texas.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it."
Al Gore, Vice President
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another"
George Bush, US President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from
the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."
Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
Keppel Enderbery
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On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at
your cervix."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair
what your husband fixed."
Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days
without pizza makes one weak."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we
pick your nose?"
At a Towing company:
"We don't
charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see
smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds
all heels."
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really
know our stuff."
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way
to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No
appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive
carefully. We'll wait"
On a Fence:
"Salesmen
welcome! Dog food is expensive."
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the
#2 business."
At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite
your visit please back in."
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep
with a drip Call your plumber.."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to
your next blowout."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove
your shorts."
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't
see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Fence:
"Salesmen
welcome! Dog food is expensive."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push.
Push."
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your
payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5
minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven
for little grills."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand
there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
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If
you have a favorite joke you'd like added please
let us know. |
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More Jokes: |
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