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Seniors Jokes
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I want to live my next life
backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then
you wake up in an old age home feeling better every
day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy
your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on
your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party,
and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you
play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then . . .
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in
luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap,
and then...
You
finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
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One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and
tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which
he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they
don't like me, and two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why
YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and
(2) you're the pastor!" |
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Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their
hair done, when in walked a young chick with a low-cut
blouse that revealed a beautiful rose tattooed on one
boob.
One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor
thing. She doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll have
a long-stemmed rose in a hanging basket." |
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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello". "Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the
Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your
husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from
another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now
uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the
results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for
Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for AIDS.
We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?"
questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare
will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at
Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way
home, don't sleep with him. |
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Bob, a 70-year-old,
extremely wealthy widower, showed up at the Country Club
with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25
year-old blonde. She knocks everyone's socks off with
her youthful sex appeal and charm and hangs over Bob's
arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club
were all aghast.
At the very first
chance, they cornered him and asked, "Bob, how'd you get
the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replied,
"Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continued to ask. "So, how'd
you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age",
Bob replied.
"What, did you tell her
- that you were only 50?"
Bob smiled and said,
"No, I told her I was 90."
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A man was walking down
the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty
and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a
couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his
wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you
this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of
dinner?"
"No, I had to stop
drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go
fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time
fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my
time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on
greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man
asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied
the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the
money on a woman in the red light district instead of
food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I
get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man,
"I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going
to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my
wife."
The homeless man was
astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell
pretty disgusting."
The man replied,
"That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf,
and sex."
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Our five-year-old
grandson couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about
the movie we had watched on television,
"20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus
had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the
telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What made the
submarine sink, was it the octopus?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "No, Grampa,
it was the 20,000 leaks!"
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Getting old is so
hard at times. Yesterday I got Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip.
NOW, I talk like an asshole...but my gums don't
itch! |
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While riding the
bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was holding
onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually,
he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."
Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused.
"Well," she said,
"go ahead."
"And this is my pole," he said.
My mother was completely perplexed until the young
man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store
to hold up my shower curtain."
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During my brother's
wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying---until
she glanced at my grandparents.
My grandmother had reached over to my
grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his
hand. That was all it took to start my mother's
tears flowing.
After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and
told her how that tender gesture triggered her
outburst.
"Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother
replied, "but I was just checking his pulse."
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A woman's husband
dies. He had left $30,000 to be used for an elaborate
funeral.
After everything is done at the funeral home and
cemetery, she tells her closest friend that "there is
absolutely nothing left from the $30,000."
The friend asks, "How can that be?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6,500. And
of course I made a donation to the church. That was
$500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and
drinks. The rest went for the memorial stone.
The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My
God, how big is it?"
The widow says, "Four and a half carats."
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Bad Medical Advice
Mildred, 93, was
despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so
she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly,
she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the
decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so
badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the
vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to
someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her
heart's exact location.
"Since you're a woman,"
the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left
breast. Why do you ask?"
She hung up without
answering.
Later that night,
Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her knee. |
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I recently picked a new primary
care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests,
he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little
concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco
or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not
doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat
rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other Doctor
said that all red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in
the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble,
drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any
of those things."
He looked at me and said,
"Then why do you give a damn?"
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My
mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a highway
patrolman pulled us over as we were driving along the
freeway. Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to
appear shocked when he walked up to the car.
"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to
the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires
out?"
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My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce
her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was
to access the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her
it could answer any question she had.
Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's
true, Mom. Think of something to ask it."
As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard,
Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is
Aunt Helen feeling?"
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Grandma Doesn't Know
Everything........
Little Tony was staying
with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing
outside with the other kids for a while when he came
into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that
called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and
one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken
aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called
sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said,
"Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the
other kids.
A few minutes later he
came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not
called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! and
Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"
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After many years of trying, the Russian family was
finally able to bring grandpa to America to live with them.
The old gentleman could only speak Russian.
Each day when the family members were at work grandpa
would spend his time in the park, walking, watching the
children play and feed the ducks a few crumbs he brought
along. So that he would be able to get a little something to
eat they taught him to say, "apple pie, coffee."
Each day he would go to the nearby deli, climb on a stool
at the counter and say to the counterman, "Apple pie,
coffee."
This worked well for him until one day he decided that
he just couldn't take another piece of apple pie. So the
family taught him to say, "Ham sandwich, coke."
He went to the park the next day looking forward to
being able to order a ham sandwich instead of apple pie.
Smiling to himself he climbed onto the stool at the counter
and waited his turn.
When the counterman asked for his order he proudly
said, "Ham sandwich, coke."
To which the counterman asked, "White or rye?"
The old man replied, "Um, apple pie, coffee."
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The Old Man
A pious man, who had
reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to
synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so
many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see
him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi
asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you
at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi,"
he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to
take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then
105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've
forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
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At a nursing home in Victoria, a group of Senior Citizens
was sitting around talking about their ailments:
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of
coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even SEE
my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my
neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in
agreement.
My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old,"
winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully.
"Thank God we all can still drive!"
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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car; neither
was barely able to see over the dashboard. As they were
cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight
was red but they just went on through. The woman in the
passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I
could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another
intersection, the light was red, and again they went
right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure
that the light had been red, but was also concerned that
she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and
decided to pay very close attention. At the next
intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red
and they went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, Mildred! Did you
know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You
could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Crap! Am I driving?"
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Perks of being over 55
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released
first.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize
it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who
walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning
to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the
National Weather Service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they
can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a
manageable size.
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An old man was driving down the Interstate at 22 miles per hour, never going faster or slower. A police officer noticed and followed him for a while, then pulled him over.
Before the officer could even get to the car, the man was saying, "I was not speeding, the speed limit is 22 miles per hour and that is exactly what I was doing, I was not speeding."
The police officer said, "I didn't pull you over for speeding, I pulled you over for going too slow."
"But the sign says 22."
The officer explained that he was on Interstate 22.
As the man shook his head, the officer noticed that there were three older ladies in the back of the car. All of them were sitting with their mouths hanging open and spit drooling down the side. Their faces were very white and their hair was completely messy.
The police officer leaned toward the man and asked, "What's wrong with them?"
"Well, we just came off Interstate 134."
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More thoughts on growing older...
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Forget the health food; I need all the preservatives I can get.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over 50 don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.
God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." Caution: Leave air holes.
I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
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Retirement Questions
Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Q. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it might take all day.
Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A. There is not enough time to get everything done.
Q. Why don't retirees mind being called senior citizens?
A. The term comes with a 10% discount.
Q. Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
A. Tied shoes.
Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have the time.
Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A. NUTS!
Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Q. What do retirees call a long lunch?
A. Normal
Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never-ending Coffee Break.
Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Q. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
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In our family, my aunt is thought of as a merry old soul because she sings as she goes about her daily routine.
One day I took the time to listen to the words of her songs, only to hear, "Now let me see, where did I put my keys?" and "I've got to remember to turn off the oven."
I asked why she sang about such trivial things. "Annie," she answered, "if people hear me singing, they think I'm a happy old buzzard. If they hear me talking to myself, they'll think I'm daft and send me off to a rest home."
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When my flight was called, an elderly couple preceded me along the boarding ramp. We entered the airport bus, where a stewardess collected our boarding passes. As we were being driven along the runway the
woman said, "What do you think, Pa?" He scratched his chin and replied, "Danged if I know - never seen one without wings before."
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An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the
doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
"Honey, what's for supper?"
No response.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"
No response.
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"
No response.
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?".
No response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"For the fifth time, CHICKEN!"
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it
very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
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After working his farm every day, an old farmer rarely had time to enjoy the large pond in the back that he had fixed up years earlier with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and benches. So one evening he decided to go down and see how things were holding up. Much
to his surprise, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."
The old farmer replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came down to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and treachery will always triumph over youth and skill.
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At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
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A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him, he complained, "I forgot my teeth, what am I going to do now!?"
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them on. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair -- try these."
The speaker tried them on and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He said, "I have one more pair. Try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went to thank the man& who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
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I had
just reached the wicket to purchase tickets to an exhibit. My
friend was counting out admission money when I noticed the
DISCOUNT TO SENIORS sign overhead. Only then did it occur to
me that I had qualified at my last birthday, the month before.
I was so excited at the prospect of a discount for the first
time that I yelled out: "Wait. Don't pay full price for me. I
get a seniors' discount!"
Then, quietly, I asked the ticket
seller if he needed proof of my age. In a voice heard by
everyone standing behind me, he said, "Lady, any woman who
would yell out her age like you did doesn't have to show me
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MY
FATHER, at age 93, had only the most basic needs and very few
wants. Last fall my sister-in-law, hoping to get a little
help in choosing a suitable birthday gift for him, asked, "Pa,
what would you like for your birthday this year?"
"Nothing, " he replied.
"But, Pa," she kidded, "that's what we gave you last year."
"Well," he answered, "I'm still using it."
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I feel
like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start
exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I
bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for
an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was
over. |
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Three
retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third
man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
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An
elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains
her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo,
the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!"
she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on
the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
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Three
older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise
in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember
whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on
the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was
on my way up or on my way down.
The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that
problem; knock on wood!" as she rapped her knuckles on the
table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
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Our friend, who had just turned 60, was doing some spring
planting with the help of his 91 year-old father. When the
older man began to put up beanpoles in straight lines, the
son suggested that stacking them teepee-style was better. A
disagreement arose.
"Dad," our friend finally said, sighing, "this is my garden,
and I want to use the teepees."
The father threw down his hoe and stomped off towards the
house. "You kids!" he snorted over his shoulder. "Turn sixty
and think that you know everything!"
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A new wine for seniors
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily
produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines,
have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an
anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people
have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as Pino More.
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A Heart Warming Story
- An
elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was
sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots
of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted
by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.
"You've
got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in
the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy
dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I
love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted
freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the
child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"
The boy looked up,
"Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name
me one thing that's prettier than freckles."
The
little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his
grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
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A group
of Canadians were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As
they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through
the process of making cheese, explaining that goats’ milk was
used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats
were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put
out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked,
“What do you do in Canada with your old goats?”
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours".
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Morris,
an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A
few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple
of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied,
"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.' "
The doctor said, "I didn't say
that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
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A man
was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's
perfect."
"Really,"
answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
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A distraught senior citizen phoned
her doctor's office.
Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you
prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because
this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
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A little girl is
sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his
old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the
wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more
puzzled.
Finally the
little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did
honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did
God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did,
and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the
little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days
isn't He?" |
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Ladies and Gentlemen:
I am a senior citizen.
During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well
paying job. I took
numerous vacations and had vacation homes.
Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life
change for the worse. I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that
terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my home. I lost my health insurance.
As a matter of fact, I lost virtually everything and became
homeless. Adding
insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an
animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.
I will do anything to ensure President Bush's defeat in the next
election.
I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to ensure that a
Democrat is back in the White House come next year. Bush has to
go. I just thought you and your listeners would like to know how one
senior citizen views the Bush Administration.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.
Sincerely,
Saddam Hussein
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An
elderly gentleman (mid seventies), very well dressed, hair
well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling
slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after
image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid seventies).
The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a
drink, takes a
sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here
often?" |
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Scotch and Water
A elderly lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch
with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she
says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's
today."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a
drink. In fact, this one's on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I
would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you," to the woman on her right.
"Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like
to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you, sir. Bartender, I want another
Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he
says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two
drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned
how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
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