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Late Night Quotes
"Miami was voted the worst road rage city. You have
20-year- olds doing 95, and 95-year-olds doing 20,
that's why." -Craig Ferguson
"According to Blender magazine, the average person
spends three years of their life in the bathroom. Do
you know what's really pathetic? If it turned out
those were the best years of your life." -Jay Leno
"The
world's oldest living person, aged 114, passed away.
The cause of death - you guessed it - a knife
fight." -Craig Ferguson
"Happy Cinco de Mayo. This is the only day they do
this - if you get pulled over for drunk driving,
they put salt around the rim of the breathalyzer."
-Jay Leno
"President Obama and some prominent Democrats
proposed a solution to the erupting volcano - they
want to pour money into it." -Jay Leno
"They've opened an exclusive nightclub in New York
City, just for dogs. This is why the rest of the
world hates us." -David Letterman
"Apparently the Icelandic volcano crisis cost the
airline industry more than three billion dollars.
Which explains why Delta's new bag-check fee is
$400,000." -Jimmy Fallon
"It's always the same with new inventions. I can
remember when calculators came out. We weren't
allowed to use them in school. The teachers would
say, 'Calculators prevent you from learning
arithmetic.' I'd say, 'I'm going into show business.
“Well, you'll need arithmetic to count your crushed
dreams.” -Craig Ferguson
"Here's a great story: A guy in Alaska goes fishing
and he catches a 90-year-old fish, a 90-year-old
fish. You know, I look at it this way - if I want a
90-year-old fish, I'll just order the seafood
platter at Red Lobster." -Dave Letterman
"Last week, two escaped prisoners in Argentina got
away from police by disguising themselves as sheep.
Guards said they should have known something was up,
when they saw two sheep walking out of a prison."
-Jimmy Fallon
"The economy's in bad shape. In fact, the economy is
so bad, Gov. Schwarzenegger had to take a second job
narrating 'Hooked on Phonics' CDs." --Jay Leno
"Last week the shuttle went up to fix the Hubble
Space Telescope. And now, when they finished up,
they put a sticker on the telescope that says,
'Objects may be closer than they appear.'" --David
Letterman
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