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Gifts
for the Man in Your Life
If
you are really, really broke, buy him anything for
his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of
de-icer or something to hang from his rear view
mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows
why.
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him
anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men
love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I
borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you
through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" No one knows
why.
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does
not matter if he already has one. I have a friend
who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man,
you can never have too many cordless drills. Again,
no one knows why.
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never
buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted
men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented
Jockey shorts.
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the
ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money
buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture
in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and
flips, and flips.
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you
do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men
drink whiskey or beer.
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of
after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink
- they are earthy.
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless
drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be
labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups.
Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one
knows why.
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly
required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day
and he will always have parts left over.
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron
Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley
RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and
Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's
stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it
is. "From NAPA Auto,eh? Must be something I need.
Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane?
Wow! Thanks."
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but
they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with
a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line
leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a
hamburger?"
Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift.
However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A
Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone
knows why.
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love
a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to
Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an
aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a
step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one
knows why.
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy
origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says
love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No
one knows why.
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