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Deep Observations on Life
1) "When I die, I want to die like my
grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not
screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension
and you get a headache, do what it says on the
aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away
from children." --Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called
EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program,
it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked
into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the
night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff
Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly
ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to
save the infant's life without even considering if
there is a man on base." --Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time
job, and we should treat it like one. If your
boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
severance pay, and the day before they leave you,
they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone
took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.
I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how
to swim'." --Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women
have better verbal skills than men. I just want to
say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan
O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??
I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh
my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch
of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the
crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni
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