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Teacher's Picks
Every year, English teachers can submit their
collections of actual analogies and metaphors
found in high school essays in order to have them
published and sent out for the amusement of other
teachers across the country. Here are the recent
winners:
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that
had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh
Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled around inside his head,
making and breaking alliances like underpants in a
dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the kind of wisdom that can only
come from experience, like a guy who goes blind
because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around
the country speaking at high schools about the
dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one
of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli,
and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like the
sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had
disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came
as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond
exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole
scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when
you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy
comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
11. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair
after a sneeze.
12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed
lovers raced across the grassy field toward each
other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling west at 55 mph,
the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. traveling east at
a speed of 35 mph.
13. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood
with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's
teeth.
14. John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.
15. He fell for her like his heart was a mob
informant, and she was the East River.
16. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like
a steel trap, only one that had been left out so
long, it had rusted shut.
17. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law
Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
18. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind
you get from not eating for a while.
19. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical
lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually
lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.
20. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he
thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage
truck backing up.
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