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Words of Wisdom?
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When I die, I want to go like my
grandfather - peacefully in his sleep, not screaming
like all the passengers in his car."
- Author Unknown
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of
tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the
aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
children."
- Author Unknown
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you
say so? There's a support group for that. It's called
EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
- Drew Carey
"The problem with the designated driver
program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get
sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of
the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
- Jeff Foxworthy
"If a woman has to choose between
catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she
will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base."
- Dave Barry
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full
time job, and we should treat it like one. If your
boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks notice. There should be severance
pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to
find you a temp."
- Bob Ettinger
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when
someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the
boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how
to swim.'"
- Paula Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that
women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to
say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
- Conan O'Brien
"Why does Sea World have a seafood
restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I
realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow
learner."
- Lynda Montgomery
"I think I know how Chicago got started.
Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the
crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'"
- Richard Jeni
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive
and all the impersonators would be dead."
- Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of
teaching us geography."
- Paul Rodriguez
"My parents didn't want to move to
Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"Remember in elementary school, you were
told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in
a single file line from smallest to tallest? What is the
logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
- Warren Hutcherson
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too
many. Monogamy's the same."
- Oscar Wilde
"Suppose you were an idiot ... And
suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat
myself."
- Mark Twain
"Our bombs are smarter than the average
high school student. At least they can find
Afghanistan."
- A. Whitney Brown
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God,
you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
- Dave Barry
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